I was hoping other forum readers wouldn’t mind if I aired a few thoughts about being gay and the journey of coming to 'terms' with your sexuality. For the context, I am 20 year old, male finalist at Leeds University, studying for a BSc in the Faculty of Engineering.
I guess it is at about 13 years old when you start to become interested in one sex or the other. For most this is the opposite sex and you go onto develop relationships (of whatever form) with others in your peer group. For those who are interested in the same sex the route you take at this point in your life can take one of two paths. You either begin to explore your desires to be with someone of the same sex and your sexuality becomes commonly known at about the age of 15/16 allowing you explore your sexuality in a more mature fashion in your later teen years and early adulthood. However, for others, you think that your attraction to other men is simply a phase which you ignore for a while, you choose not to explore relationships at all and it is not until your late teens, early twenties when you realize you are actually gay.
I realize that there are many permutations of these two situations, but as a base line I think most people could fit themselves into these two categories. For context, I fit into the later category. If you are someone who has hidden their sexuality and feelings for the same sex you will find yourself in a very heterosexual world. Your peers and family may have some thoughts about what your sexuality might be, but for all intents and purposes, they consider you to be heterosexual and put your lack of relationships with the opposite sex to be related to shyness or some other reason. This means that when you do tell them, what your true feelings are, its likely to be a bomb shell, it is impossible to predict their reaction. This fact about you has the power to change your life, potentially for the worse. But, this would be the wrong reason to keep your homosexuality to yourself. If you do, you risk never experiencing love, never being cared for, or caring for another and never being fulfilled. Why is the journey of realizing that you are gay such an exciting and on the other hand scary one. Whilst I have always know that I am gay, I have really only truly accepted in the past year. I no longer attempt to persuade myself to attempt to develop a relationship with females and instead look towards how I might become more open about my sexuality. I would like to tell the whole world, I want to meet a man who will care for me and I can care for him. But that can’t happen until I can face to tell my world who I am.
I approached the subject [of homosexuality] with a good (male) friend last Friday night, after drinking several (maybe 7) pints, in three hours. He wasn’t exactly positive about homosexuality, but did say “Are you gay?”, I said, “I don’t know”. “I think by the age of 20, you would know if you were gay or not.” Later that night I sent him a text message saying “Yes, I think I probably am gay.” A cowardly way to approach the whole ‘coming out’ thing but it’s the closest I’ve come to telling anyone before. He simply relied saying his comments about homosexuality were just his personal opinion. Fair enough. But maybe he failed to realize that I was looking for support from a very good friend. The subject has not been bought up since, to my disappointment. Perhaps if I had his acceptance, telling the rest of my friends would have been much easier. I think I chose to tell him that night because I thought he would be the most accepting, though I think the combination of text messages and large volumes of alcohol simply led to him not believing me, so in a way by not bringing it up again what he is doing is keeping me from, what he would perceive as, embarrassment. There are probably two other good friends that I would wan to tell, one of whom, perhaps my best friend, wouldn’t be particularly accepting at all. The other would, but would just laugh about it. I’m really at a loss of what to do next and I guess my plan of coming out to friend number one didn’t really achieve what I wanted.
I too had a similar coming thing to that. My best frined from a young child didn't accept it very well but i moved on and told more people and the more you tell the better you feel about yourself. I you are looking for some comfort or guidance you can contact the soc who will guide you in the right direction and if not just an ear to talk too. you could even even come to coffee hour 12 -2 in the arc, we're having our awareness week so there's cookies n stuff. It might be worth trying to find our coming out thread on the forum.
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Hello! could put something witty but i can't think of one!
its not easy n i know this sounds harsh, but u really find out who ur mates are when u come out. I got outed in school when I were 14/15... the ppl who stuck up 4 me were the ones i least expected, we r still gr8 mates now. x
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Nic // LGBT Society Events Officer 05/06 // LGBT Assembly Chair 05/06 - NUS LGBT Society of the year 2006(winners) //
LUU honarary life member - Awarded 2006 // LGBT Assembly Mentor 2006 -Onwards.
Contact me at nicturner_85@hotmail.com
I had it easy, being bi, coz it wasn't such a bit step but I know what you mean. It's hard for other people at first. They may not be homophobic in any way shape or form but it's still a bit hard to take all in one go from someone you've been so close to for so long.
You'll find the right time for you... and your friend will get used to the idea. I promise. You'll be suprised at how great some people can be when they get used to the idea. I had one friend have a go at me coz I said I didn't fancy her (and she was straight!!!)
:o)
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"I can resist everything but temptation" - Oscar Wilde
