Bad Gags...

EmilyL · Hallo, My Name's Goody

Bad Gags...

ChipsAndLube · Bertha, lovely Bertha, you are a lovely machine.

what's got two legs and bleeds?

i think we've been there before in coffee hour

...

-- Edited by ChipsAndLube at 20:58, 2004-11-16

thaidave · Not Thai Dave

Finally! A field in which i excel (naha!)

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
See you next month

Whats brown and sticky?
A stick

And i will bless you with more undeniably classicly entertaining gags when i'm next online

ChallengeTheMighty · Bingo Whore

damn.. my brown and sticky gag's been used already.

ok...

what are brown and furry and fall out of trees?

dead monkey's

Adam · *Censored*

How do you know when a woman's having a really bad day?

She has a tampon behind her ear and can't find her pencil

JohnK · Pieces of me you've never seen

How do you get three gay men to sit on a stool?

turn it upside down

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

4. One to change it, one to burn her bra, one to complain about the servitude of women and one to film the documentary for channel four

Adam · *Censored*

How many femenists does it take to change a light bulb?

That's not funny.

How many femenists does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the and 1 to administer a kick in the balls to any man trying to help the first 1

EmilyL · Hallo, My Name's Goody

First I would like to thank all those who have contributed to my repertoire..e.g. Paulie
Ahem..

What's big, green and if it falls out of a tree and hits you on the head you die?!
A snooker table!!....

Why did the boy fall off the swings?... Because he didn't have any arms!

What's pink and hard?!...... A pig with a flick knife!!

Why don't boxers have sex before a match?... Because they don't fancy each other!

What do you call a russian prostitute?... Getonyabackyabitch!
What do you call a russian man with three bollocks... Whodyanickabollockoff!
What do you call a chinese man with one bollock... Whatwentwong?

What do you call a fat irish man?.... Mike, or something like that.

Sorry if anyone gets offended etc, etc...
All really stupid, so not funny they're funny jokes appreciated folks.. Keep 'em coming!

xxx

Tararara · Posting Addict

what do you call a jockey who owns a vinyard?

Wine-owner Ryder

shymike · I don't vote Tory!

what's big and grey and can't climb trees?

a carpark.

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

ooohhhhh get ready 4 this :o) I got loadsa jokes!

Wot do u call 3 lesbians in a cupboard?

a licker cabinet!

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

2 Blondes r walking in a forest when they come across some tracks

"oooooooohhhhh look" says the 1st blonde "deer tracks"

"dont be stupid" replies the 2nd blonde "those are bear tracks"

Anyway they got in2 a huge argument about wot tracks they wer, they wer still arguing 2 hours later when......................

The train hit them!

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

wots the definition of blue tack?

smurf ****

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

Whats the difference between Essex girls & a kit kat?

U never get more than 4 fingers in a kit kat

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

Wot do u call a teesider in a suit?

The accused

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

A welsh sheep farmer was havin a drivin lesson

"Now mr Evans" said the drivin instructor "Can u make a u-turn?"

"No" replied the farmer "but i cud make its eyes water"

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

After years of sexual failure due 2 havin a tiny knob, Brian was walkin thru Belfast when a leprechaun appeared.

"Ah Brian u've caught me" said the leprechaun "any wish u make will come true"

Brian thought 4 a minute n replied "I wish I had a dick that reached to the ground"

"Certainley" said the leprechaun & chopped both his legs off

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

Did u hear bout the irish guy who got a job as a surgeon last week? His first job was a circumcision, unfortunatley he missed & got the sack

shymike · I don't vote Tory!

what' white and silly?

a window sill

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

A young curate had been training in the church with a father for some years when one day the father decides that the young curate can hear his first confession.

"How do I know wot to give as penances?" asked the young curate
the father replied "thats simple my son theres a list on the side of the confession box" and he went about his business leaving the young fella to hear confession.

He sat down & immediatley heard a voice thru the grille saying "forgive me father for I have sinned, i had a strong drink last nite". The curate looked at his list and replied "say three hail marys and all will be forgiven".

5 minutes later a second voice came thru the grille "forgive me father for i have sinned for i have committed adultery", again the curate looked at his list and replied "say 5 hail marys n all will be forgiven"

This happened a few times more and the curate was begginin to feel proud of himself and the way he was handling confession, when suddenly a voice came thru the grille "Forgive me father for I have sinned, last nite i gave oral sex" the curate searched the list & couldnt find oral sex on it, panicking he rushed outta the confession box & ran into an angelic choirboy on the way to choir practice

"can u help me?" asked the curate "do u know wot the fathre gives for oral sex?"
"well it depends" answered the choirboy "generally I get a bottle of pop n a mars bar"

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

Whats the definition of a tampon?

Vampires teabag

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

what do u call 15 members of the christian institute up to their necks in cement?

not enuff cement!

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

wots the definition of a drawin pin?

smartie wi a hard on

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

how do u get 10 ethiopians in a phone box?

thrown in a tin of beans

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

how do u get them out again?

run past wi the tin opener

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

Social services got sent round to an essex girls house to investigate a claim that she had 20 children, sure enuff when they got there, there wer 20 boys running around.

Social worker: "These all urs miss?"
Essex girl: "yeah"
Social worker: "wot are their names?"
Essex girl: "all of them r called Wayne"
Social worker: "all of them?"
Essex Girl: "yeah its great all I have to do is shout Wayne n they all come running"
Social worker: "doesnt that get confusin?"
Essex girl: "nope"
Social worker: "well wot do u do when u want just 1 of them?"
Essex girl: "thats easy, i just shout their surname"

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

wot do u call a paraplegic prostitute?

cash & carry

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

wot do u call a protitute wi her knickers up?

unemployed

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

wot did santa say when he walked past 3 prostitutes?

ho ho ho!

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

wot do u call a prostitute with white eyes?

full

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

how do u get a blonde lesbian 2 climb a wall?

show her a crack in the ceiling!

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

wots blue n ****s old people?

hypothermia

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

what has is short & ugly and ****s ya gran?

wayne rooney

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

wots the greatest irish invertion ever?

helicopter ejector seats

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

oooops i meant invention, cant spell

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

wot do u call a dog with 5 dicks? (well 4 if u wanna get technical)

Mariah Carey & westlife

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

I rang my local pizza place the other day and asked for a thin n crusty supreme, 10 minutes later Diana Ross was at my door

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

wots the 2nd greatest irish invention?

the solar powered torch

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

wot did the gay guy order from the chinese chippy?

cream of sumyungi

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

wot do u call 3 tampons walkin down the road?

stuck up ****s

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

Well, erm am all outta stuff at the mo n sorry 4 any offense caused 2 any1, heres abit of a laugh at my expense cos am a from Derbyshire, take note cos it mite just help ya 2 understand me when am on 1... (well thats wot me DeeDah mate told me)

Derbyshire as she is spoke – Can u translate?

1.Gizziter
2.Gerrartnit
3.Keepont Cosey
4.Izzitiz?
5.Izziterz?
6.Aztha gorrit withy?
7.Intitot?
8.Izdad Gidditim
9.Gerroffooam
10.Purra Coton
11.Lets klektuz himbuxin
12.Summat Suppeer
13.Worti weeiz sen?
14.Tintintin?
15.Issezitintiz Burrabetitiz
16.Didja guddarn theer?
17.Atha cummin weeuz?
18.Izthi mammin?
19.Tekkit offer
20.Arkatit
21.Gerritetten
22.Corforus Arpastate
23.Geeitim
24.Snot mine
25.Nowt Sammatter
26.Atha Orate?
27.Aztha gorrit dun?
28.A Yanteered Nowt
29.Anti addit?
30.Sit Thissendarn
31.Anditart
32.This Themmazas An Themmazant
33.Snot weerapurrit
34.Middadz gonnart
35.Smatter weeim?
36.Iz gooinooam
37.Iz Themumin?
38.Thalafter Gerranewen
39.Shutthimarth
40.Enose Nowt Abertit
41.Lerra Gerronbus
42.Atha Teckinit withy?
43.Lettimin
44. Gizzabittonit

Derbyshire as she is translated

1.Give it to me (here)
2.Go away (get out of it)
3.Keep on the pavement (causeway)
4.Is it his?
5.Is it hers?
6.Have you got it with you?
7.Isn’t it hot?
8.His father gave it to him
9.Go home
10.Put a coat on
11.Lets collect the hymnbooks in
12.There is something wrong
13.Was he on his own?
14.Is it not in?
15.He says it isn’t his but I bet it is
16.Did you go down there?
17.Are you coming with us?
18.Is your mother in?
19.Take it from her
20.Listen to it
21.Eat it up
22.Call for me at 8.30
23.Give it to him
24.It isn’t mine
25.Nothing is the matter
26.Are you alright?
27.Have you finished it (got it done)?
28.I have not heard anything
29.Hasn’t he had it?
30.Please be seated
31.Hand it out
32.There are haves and have-nots
33.It is not where you put it
34.My father has gone out
35.What is the matter with him?
36.He is going home
37.Is your mother in?
38.You will have to get a new one
39.Be quiet
40.He knows nothing about it
41.Let her get on the bus
42.Do you intend to take it with you?
43.Let him in
44.Give me a piece

Adam · *Censored*

Love yours Emily. Nic great jokes but a little scared by the amount of free time you have x

Whats pink and hard in the morning?

The financial times crossword

Whats pink and hangs out your trousers?

Your gran

Whats worse than finding a maggot in your apple?

Being raped

Whats the difference between a lesbian and a tuc biscuit?

Ones a snack cracker...

Whats black white and red all over and cant go through revolving doors?

A nun with a spear in her head

Why didnt superman save the hostages in Iraq?

Because he's dead, and before that he was in a wheelchair

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Wherever you left it

Whats the definition of suspicion?

A nun doing press ups in a cucumber field

Sorry in advance for those

EmilyL · Hallo, My Name's Goody

Nice one Adam!

There are two nuns driving down the street when suddenly from out of nowhere a vampire jumps onto the car bonnet and starts banging on the windscreen trying to break in. Now obviously the two nuns are horrified at this turn of events and one nun says to the other

'Oh my gosh! Whatever should we do?!'

So the other nun says to her, 'Quick, show 'im yer cross'
....So the first nun quickly winds down her window and leans out shouting
'Get off my windscreen you stupid bastard!'

PeterJ · Dame Poofy

Wot do u call a teesider in a suit?

The accused
When I heard that joke, it was a scouser

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

i was tryin 2 avoid startin my sociology essay, eventually started it tho, confused myself n started on the jokes. Anyways heres a crap 1 for this morning...

wot looks like yellow paint, tastes like yellow paint n smells like yellow paint?

yellow paint

xray dave · Forum Addict

Couldn't translate the derbyshire stuff but i know to translate anything in staffordshire (derbyshires next door neighbour) just add extra o to every thing with o's in and say duck a lot for example would yoo like a booooook duck.

whats the funniest thing in the kitchen?

the washing machine becasue it takes the P.I.S.S out of your knickers.

da da

(had to put da dots in as it censored it)

-- Edited by xray dave at 16:15, 2004-11-18

shymike · I don't vote Tory!

what's better than winning gold in the paralympics?

being able to walk

ChallengeTheMighty · Bingo Whore

this isn't a joke by the way, just so y'all know. it's not meant to be funny.

there used to be a website with loads of bad gags on, but i can't remember what it's called, so i searched on ask jeeves, and the related queries brought back "cute girls bound and gagged"!

is nothing free from sex anymore! well i'm assuming it's sex related so the link didn't interest me. it could be something completely innocent.

anyway i think i'm becoming a prude in my old age.

EmilyL · Hallo, My Name's Goody

What did the orange say to the lemon?!....

Hello lemon!
xx

NickyDyke85 · YouCanaeSmokeNayHashOn'Ere!

A man walked in2 a bar n said ouch