Hi, im one of the member from the society. I know what I am going to say sounds super silly, but this thing had been bothering me for weeks and I cant concentrate on my work. I just somehow want to release what's inside me.
While watching some shows on the internet, I came across some gay theme movies (non-sexual), which was nice to watch and touching. But I just cant forget somethings I watched inside. For one is about coming out. I had not come out to anyone, not even my friends. I just cant bear to tell them like "Im gay", and I will just stone there waiting for their reactions, and they most probably run away or stone like me. Scare they cant accept me for who I am, then who are my friends? Maybe I think too much, but I just too scare to think of the consequences. Not even my close friends that I am confident that they can accept. Then do I really have friends, or even friend? I feel Im just so pathetic, useless, and should just die since I cant be of any use. Theres scenes where after coming out to their parents, the parents just cant accept that their child is gay and kicked them out of the house, feeling the child is disgusting, shame to the family. Think back sometime ago when I was small and watching shows with my parents, they are like "yiiiiii, homosexual, disgusting" and I asked why, "it is not normal to be homosexual, guys should be with girls." What they dont know is their son found out one day that he is gay. So how am I suppose to tell my parents? Im turning 21 next year, but I cant tell them. I know many people came out to their parents when they were young, but I just cant do it. If they are afraid that going overseas is what caused me to become so, and they stop me from coming, what my life will be like? Everything being controlled by my parents? No internet, no phones, monitor who are my friends...........scare I go and find gay friends and do sth? Even after I finish my degree, I cant tell them as well. If they cant accept me for who I am and kick me out of the house like in the show, then where do I live? Perhaps, I should wait till I find a job and can survive myself without relying on them, then only tell them, but how old will I be by then, and how old will my parents be by then? Everytime I talk to my parents via webcam, they keep asking me whether I have a girlfriend, ask me not to be in love and so on. I feel so bad, but I cant tell them. They say parents will accept their child for who they are one day, but is that really the case? Im sure there ARE cases where parents really leave their child. And I know how bad my luck is all the while, if it so happen to happen on me, what should I do? Commit suicide? Perhaps is the best option, and only option available, since I got no where to go.
I know the person of your life dont just pop up like that, nid to be patience and wait till the Mr Right appears without you realising. But why must it be so long? WHY NOT NOW? Im so jealous seeing couples kissing each other, why they found theirs but not me? Meeting people in gaydar is like to be asked whether to have sex. Are we really like what being said just like dogs have sex with anyone you like? Why must the concept about gay being so ridiculous? I did not ask to be like this, how I wish I could be 'normal' without leading a double life? But I am like this, I cant be changed!!! **** all those who are so called changed from gay to straight, **** me. WHAT STUPID LIES !!!
How long more do I have to be in the closet? Will I ever come out from the darkness, or will I forever be engulfed in it? No true friends, no partner, nothing, just nothing? Maybe I will be alone till I old and die one day without anyone knowing, until sometime later the neighbours smell something from my house only found out Im dead? Will I end up like that? Most likely yes Then should I wait till that day, or should I just end myself before that day comes?
PLEASE don't commit suicide. I don't know who you are but it is no worth it!
Yes, parents may have a hard time dealing with it but most of the time they learn to at least deal with it if not accept it. I don't know about foreign cultures but I know it can be harder to come out. I shouldn't worry so much about this. I often find that most parents aren't as clueless as they seem and often have an idea long before you come out to them. (For example my friend has a 7 year old son who she already knows/ guesses is going to be gay) I think the hardest thing for parents to accept is that it's not a choice and it doesn't change who you are as a person. A lot of bad reactions stem from the feeling of guilt that the parents may have raised you badly in some way.
Sorry, that all sounds quite scary and serious. If you only have a year or so left in your degree why not leave it till after, as you said, when you have a job. I know this sounds silly but this is the way I would personally go about it in your situation... I would make sure that whatever my situation at the time I could support myself independantly if they were that upset. Usually they're ok after a week or so having calmed down.
I would also suggest writing a letter to them when you do decide to come out because this gives them time to cool down and accept it without having a blazing row with you. This also ensures that you get you point across fully without being interrupted.
I wouldn't be in such a rush to find the perfect partner (It's a lot of work being in a relationship... trust me) and I'm guessing that you're still fairly young. You have the rest of you life to do that and if you haven't already there will be a reason for that. I promise.
Don't worry so much. Don't do anything stupid. If you need to talk you can email luu.lgbt@leeds.ac.uk to talk to me (Caz) or the men's officer (Sam) about anything you wish. You can also arrange a face to face meeting with any committee member to talk if you wish.
Hope you're ok sweetie.
xxx
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"I can resist everything but temptation" - Oscar Wilde
First of all, I strongly suggest that you use the university's counselling service. Go to this link here or call them up for more details: http://www.leeds.ac.uk/uscs/main.html 19 Clarendon Place Leeds LS2 9JY
Telephone: 0113 343 4107
I have used it myself in the past before coming out and am even using it now to come to terms with the fact I need to come out to my family. They are very good- I talk to them about anything. Please do as Caz has suggested and ask the society (or send me a private message- I am the society president) for someone to talk to on a personal level. Everything you say will be confidentialy. But meanwhile please contact the counselling service as soon as possible. And please feel welcome to come to coffee hour up in the ARC at Leeds University Union any weekday from 12-2pm. If you would like someone to meet you beforehand, email the society or contact a committee member.
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"I am but too conscious of the fact that we are born in an age when only the dull are treated seriously, and I live in terror of not being misunderstood."
Oscar Wilde
