i've just started seeing someone and its going pretty well but i've recently started to see that he drinks a hell of a lot and when he drinks, he becomes really intense and quite scary. a couple of times he has shouted at me and grabbed my arms and hands firmly and painfully in this drunkeness but when i tell him he's scaring me he immediately apologises and is really sorry. i do like him but i'm worried that i may be getting into what could possiblly turn into abuse. am i just being paranoid or should i leave him? any advice
I'd suggest breeching the subject with him while you're both sober that's important. He may have forgotten or may not be aware of how these episodes have made you feel. So if you let him know he has scared you, physically hurt you, (something you do not have to put up with whether he intended to or not), you can then both talk about what you want to do about it. Try talking through why he drinks so much, what he thinks could be done about it, and the aggression. The talk may well bring up issues not thought of here and would be a major push to you sorting this out.
If he cuts down drinking then that'd be a huge help. It sounds so simple, but may be a difficult request. It's almost expected that students (if he is a student too) drink excessive amounts, but even if it weren't for the long term damage, it evidently has a bad effect on certain people's character and is most definitely getting in the way of this relationship. If you think it is the extent of his drinking that brings out this side in him that you feel has the potential to be even more abusive, then if he's receptive to it, cutting down is the best solution.
Another suggestion is that, for your own safety, you avoid spending time with him when he's going to be drinking excessively. You're not being paranoid, because things have already happened that you are uncomfortable with - ie, you being shouted at and hurt, and further you're asking if you should leave him, which indicates a great amount of justified doubt caused by the problem. So getting out of harms way temporarily until you've both decided how this is going to get fixed, may be just what you need.
You need to see how he actually responds to this problem and how well you can fix this between you. If after that you still want to leave, for continued fear of your safety then you should never feel you need to justify that with us or anyone else. That's a decisions you've every right to make.
