I have noticed that there are a few members of the lgbt that have problems that they don’t think that they can handle on their own. I have decided to offer my services to become the agony aunt of the group. If there are any problems that you are having from pubic lice to erectile dysfunction you can be assured that you can post here and I will answer your problems with discretion while laughing at you behind your back!
To kick things off I have had a letter from a mister whips and tube. And of course as with all my letters I have changed the name to avoid embarrassment.
Dear auntie drew, I have a problem with an itching burning sensation that I get every time I go to the toilet. This is the worst I have ever felt and have considered removing my penis with a bread knife. What is wring with me? Should I go ahead with my plan?
Well whips and tube I think that the problem with you is that you have picked up a small sexually transmitted infection from the tramps that you pick up from the city centre. I think that you have one of two options open to you. The first is that you go and visit the gum clinic and then stop sleeping with random tramps that are practically made of scabs. The second is that you do actually cut off your own penis, this may sound like the worse of your two choices but there are ways that this choice can be advantageous to you. You could sell off the right to cutting off your penis on ebay and then film the highest bidder doing it and broadcast it on a pay site on the Internet. This way you will make money, which we all know can buy happiness. Hope that this has helped you in some way.
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don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.
Dear plethora, many people would consider you to have a problem. I on the other hand am of the school of thought that there is nothing wrong with vodka and books. I have also heard that although cherry ade is not a recognised form of contraception in this country It does offer a sweet smelling alternative to femme fresh. Remember ladies if you are having problems with feminine hygiene you can now buy femme fresh in three new scents, pine forest, new car smell and my favourite spicy beef. I hope that this has helped you, you sad old alcoholic lesbo.
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don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.
Auntie Drew - first time caller, long time listener - I have a small growth on the inside of my legs, its long and floppy and sometimes gets quite hard, like a rod or something similar. I was wondering if you could help me with this problem. What is it???
I am recently been having problems with my Vagina. It is very uncomfortable when I sit down and it is often quite itchy. I am worried because my girlfriend says she hasn't seen her rings since she fisted my the other day and she also broken several of her fingernails recently.
Please Advise me.
Yours fistingly,
TrickyTyke
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I reserve... I reserve... I have a reservation... I HAVE a reservation.. What do you mean its not in the computer?
quote: Originally posted by: PretentiousPuff "Auntie Drew - first time caller, long time listener - I have a small growth on the inside of my legs, its long and floppy and sometimes gets quite hard, like a rod or something similar. I was wondering if you could help me with this problem. What is it???
FTCLTC."
Dear FTCLTC, I have put dome thought into your problem and I have come to the conclusion that you have contracted a rare for of genital warts and should take precautions immediately. What you need to do is go into your housemate’s kitchen cupboard and find a cheese grater. Once you have done thins you need to grate rapidly at the afflicted area until you see blood. Don’t worry this is completely normal. Then you need to make a mixture of salt and limejuice and pour directly onto your genital region and within 6- 8 weeks if you are still having problems consult your GP.
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don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.
I have been comfort eating in excessive amounts ever since i got rid of my dodgy 80's perm, which i am starting 2 grow back because I am hoping to get reconstructive surgery to help transform me into a bananarama look alike, unfortunately i dont seem to be able to save up enuff money 4 the surgery because I keep blowing huge amounts of cash on cake pies & lard. Please help me...
Love Madam
p.s. Is it normal to fancy the little white lurpak man who plays the trombone? He makes me cream my pants, is this normal & will i get pregnant from it?
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Nic - Union Council LGBT Assembly Chair
Contact me at - lgbt.assembly@leeds.ac.uk / nicturner_85@hotmail.com
i have recently been troubled by strange yearnings. it all started when i was watching a documentary about mussolini on the history channel, and felt a tickle in my special place. now i can't stop. i have a serious thing about dead dictators.
my housemates started to worry when i placed a lifesize cardboard cutout of stalin in the living room, and i haven't yet dared show them the shrine to hitler in my wardrobe.
i also play 'i'm wone-wee' by kim jong il on a loop, which can get a little tedious.
please help me before this gets out of hand. i can't help thinking that it won't be long before i start sending people i don't like to gulags.
heil hitler,
confused, leeds.
ps, i'm wearing my ss uniform now, if anyone's interested.
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alright stop, collaborate and listen,
ice is back with a brand new invention
quote: Originally posted by: Adam "Dear Auntie Drew,
I am recently been having problems with my Vagina. It is very uncomfortable when I sit down and it is often quite itchy. I am worried because my girlfriend says she hasn't seen her rings since she fisted my the other day and she also broken several of her fingernails recently.
Please Advise me.
Yours fistingly,
TrickyTyke"
Dear tricky tyke, I’m sorry to hear that you have your pussy in a mess. Please don’t feel embarrassed about this ailment as it is quite common in certain places like Liverpool, Newcastle and gypsy encampments and is basically known as chavbastardosis. I have heard that if you have a hot bath it will shrink back to the normal size after a good fisting but in your case I think that we need to take another more drastic approach. You need to get a mirror and a pair of pliers and tweeze all of the unwanted sovereigns out of your greasy snatch. That said however I must warn against this penchant for fisting that you have as if you do over stretch the vagina you can end up with a fanny like a wizards sleeve. Hope this has helped.
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don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.
i'm really worried. there's talk of a small child going missing in the clarence dock area, and i've a nasty feeling it might be residing somewhere in the depths of my pandora's box. should i tell the police? i'm worried they might think i'm just saying it to get the penetrative inspection.
yours,
sh!tty spike
-- Edited by shymike at 23:52, 2005-02-07
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alright stop, collaborate and listen,
ice is back with a brand new invention
I recently discovered I can quite comfortably fit 2 fire extinguishers up my ass, however the university keep fining me for improper use of fire extinguishers making it very expensive for me 2 get off (£100 a go). I'm contemplating sitting on concrete bollards from now on, is this legal? and less expensive?
yours,
drylike
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Nic - Union Council LGBT Assembly Chair
Contact me at - lgbt.assembly@leeds.ac.uk / nicturner_85@hotmail.com
i'm stuck on a bollard in hyde park and i can't get off. my minge spasmed and i haven't any grease with me. the crows are circling. what would jesus do?
titty bite x
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burn down our home, RAPE OUR DEAD MOUTHS. Just as long as I don't have to hear anymore of your disgusting babble
yes, it's me again. you know those cocktail umbrellas you get in poncy bars? well, i woke up this morning with one semi-open in my urethra. any ideas? i thought maybe a gin sling to ease it out.
yours,
flips and chews
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alright stop, collaborate and listen,
ice is back with a brand new invention
Ever since eating a delicious meal of ash, fag ends n strawberry laces the other nite I've been ****ting out huge lumps that resemble cuban cigars, wud it b wrong to sell them to get abit more money?
Hipsandpubes
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Nic - Union Council LGBT Assembly Chair
Contact me at - lgbt.assembly@leeds.ac.uk / nicturner_85@hotmail.com
i was bleaching my hoop with a butterknife and it's disappeared. can i shít it out or is that a wee bit risky? i know they're not too sharp, but i;ve already had the contents of an ashtray pass out from between my buttocks today and i don't wish to damage the pristine porcelain of my loo with a kitchen utensil. maybe i could coax it out with a fondue prong?
itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow sticky drippy flange x
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burn down our home, RAPE OUR DEAD MOUTHS. Just as long as I don't have to hear anymore of your disgusting babble
auntie drew, please help me, i'm having a crisis of confidence. no-one believes i'm real, after the farcical antics of margaret and fairie. how do i convince them i'm a free thinking, origninal entity? yours waddlingly, thong-rag hymn-poo
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alright stop, collaborate and listen,
ice is back with a brand new invention
quote: Originally posted by: shymike "dear auntie drew,
i have a bigger penis than most of my male friends. is this a problem?
licky-fryke"
be happy about it. there are plenty of men who would love to be in your position. the only problem is that you are selfish with it! you should be sharing it around and not keeping it to yourself! hope this has helped
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don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.
quote: Originally posted by: shymike "dear auntie drew,
yes, it's me again. you know those cocktail umbrellas you get in poncy bars? well, i woke up this morning with one semi-open in my urethra. any ideas? i thought maybe a gin sling to ease it out.
yours,
flips and chews"
come round to mine and ill fish it out for you. but you must know that this is the last time that i am going to do this for you. im getting a bit fed up. hope this has helped
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don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.
quote: Originally posted by: ChipsAndLube "dear chewy drewy
i was bleaching my hoop with a butterknife and it's disappeared. can i shít it out or is that a wee bit risky? i know they're not too sharp, but i;ve already had the contents of an ashtray pass out from between my buttocks today and i don't wish to damage the pristine porcelain of my loo with a kitchen utensil. maybe i could coax it out with a fondue prong?
the fantastic advancement in the porcelain industry have made it possible for the average toilet to take anything from goldfish to concrete. i reccomend that you just take somethign into the lav with you like a piece of leather and just bite down on it hard while you expel the metalfrom your bowel. everything should be fine. hope that this has helped. xx
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don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.
the fantastic advancement in the porcelain industry have made it possible for the average toilet to take anything from goldfish to concrete. i reccomend that you just take somethign into the lav with you like a piece of leather and just bite down on it hard while you expel the metalfrom your bowel. everything should be fine. hope that this has helped. xx"
aaarrrgggh! i shat blood! i might make some alternative art.
*sits on crepe paper*
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burn down our home, RAPE OUR DEAD MOUTHS. Just as long as I don't have to hear anymore of your disgusting babble
I think that myslef and posibly other members of the soc have contracted "Rug Rap" from accidently sharing mugs in coffee hour, is it terminal and how do i break it to my family?
After more than a year working in an office and doing nothing but drinking tea, my body has decided to stop letting me drink liquids. What ever shall I do?!?!
Squeef
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'I've discovered the secret of life. A lot of hard work, a lot of sense of humor, a lot of joy and a whole lot of tra la la.' Kay Thompson
I´m ´avin´ a bit of trouble love. Everywhere I go on meh favourite forum lately, people seem to be wound oop tighter than a clockwork nutcracker oop a duck´s jaxie...could yer ´elp meh please?
Yours in fannyache,
Rammit Arda x
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Three things that mark the Good Man: Truth, Honour and Love
I think that myslef and posibly other members of the soc have contracted "Rug Rap" from accidently sharing mugs in coffee hour, is it terminal and how do i break it to my family?
dear Mr Darcy, please don't be too concerned about the recent rug rap scare that has been troubling the rest of the lgbt. there has to date been only one confirmed case of rugrap in the Leeds lgbt and that was coupled with a nasty case of lesbosis. if you have any further worries don't hesitate to write to me again.
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don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.
After more than a year working in an office and doing nothing but drinking tea, my body has decided to stop letting me drink liquids. What ever shall I do?!?!
Squeef
Dear squeef, our problem is quite perplexing one that i have taken all of five minutes to mull over. the problems that you are experiencing are due to the high levels of tannin in the tea that you have been drinking. i first came across this problem when i was working in an old people home in skegness a few years ago. what i recommended to them all those years ago is what I'm going to tell you now. you have completely ruined your oesophagus and you will now have to take all your meals, liquids and solids, via a diffferent orifice. what i can recommend is using a funnel up your bottom for all of your drinks and soups and from now on i would recommend buttering both the inside as well as the outside of your sandwiches
this may be a bit of a bind on your social life but i would contact the gay times or the pink paper who have an excellent list of enema fetish clubs who im sure will be more than willing to accomodate you
hope this has helped
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don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.
I´m ´avin´ a bit of trouble love. Everywhere I go on meh favourite forum lately, people seem to be wound oop tighter than a clockwork nutcracker oop a duck´s jaxie...could yer ´elp meh please?
Yours in fannyache,
Rammit Arda x
whoa Nelly, I'm not touching this with barge pole. **** that i might get gay excommunicated. excommunigayted. xx
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don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.
inlowercase wrote: whoa Nelly, I'm not touching this with barge pole. **** that i might get gay excommunicated. excommunigayted. xx
okay auntie drew, i appreciate that the subject makes you fear for your life.
here´s another ya might be able to help me with:
i keep getting fanny cramps ever since our george died. this gray substance like powder keeps comin out o´ mee secret place in puffs of smoke everytime i move, and it makes the face of a genie. could you tell me what´s wrong?
Rammit Arda x
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Three things that mark the Good Man: Truth, Honour and Love
