right then. this is a thread where you can, if you wish, talk about your experiences of coming out. the idea is to give some moral support and a point of reference to those who are thinking of coming out in the near future.
so tell us about how you came out to different groups of people, how they took it, whether it was a good or bad way to do it, etc.
if there are people that you have yet to come out to, you can also tell us why you haven't done so far, if you intend to do so soon, etc.
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alright stop, collaborate and listen,
ice is back with a brand new invention
i waited until i'd left school before i told anyone. at the time, i decided i wouldn't much like being the only out person in the school, and i didn't like the idea of my little sister finding out by rumours etc, and going and telling my parents. i was terrified of my parents finding out, you see.
so, when i was on my gap year, i eventually got round to telling my friends from home. i had wanted to just drop it into conversation, to make as little of it as possible, but whenever an opportunity arose, i chickened out. i eventually told one of my best friends on instant messenger, and let her tell everyone else. that was a nicely impersonal way to do it. i always find i talk much more freely on i-m. i told her by telling her about a dream i'd had that involved shagging one of my friends. my friends were all fine about it, but i'd never really imagined they wouldn't be.
when i got to uni, i initially decided that i'd be quite open about it all, but when it came down to it, it was actually quite difficult to tell people, without making an announcement (the thought of which repulsed me). the situation isn't particularly helped by the fact that i don't appear gay to most people.
the longer i left it, the harder it got. there are still plenty of people in leeds who don't know i'm gay, and the longer i leave it, the harder it gets. i like to justify it to myself by saying, well, they didn't tell me they're straight, why should i have to make an announcement that i'm gay.
one night in my first year, i was thinking about hypothetical situations, and how i might tell my parents. i lept out of bed full of creative vigour (or something) and wrote them a letter telling them. i had no intention of posting it when i wrote it, but the next morning i did post it.
i always thought of the letter as being a chicken way of doing it, but i'm starting to change my mind about that. it gives you an opportunity to get down everything you need to say without getting interrupted or loosing the thread of what you're trying to say etc. what i would recommend, though, is if you're going to use a letter, maybe give it in person rather than posting it. i went through two or three days of hell wondering why they hadn't rung me, convinced they'd disowned me. eventually it occured to me that they'd write back, and i went to check my mail.
my parents were surprisingly fine with it. they're both very religeous, so i was worried what their reaction might be, but they were very accepting. in the letter, i had made it clear that being gay didn't mean i was going to sleep my way round leeds and end up with hiv, which probably helped. i had to sit through the usual 'but what about grandchildren' and 'what if it's a phase' questions, but it's all ok now. my mum's always pointing out articles in the church times about the church's gay debate.
well, i feel cleansed. a very long post all about me. anyone would think i was self absorbed.....
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alright stop, collaborate and listen,
ice is back with a brand new invention
you've echoed what a lot of people say: about how writing a letter is easier because you get to organise your thoughts and it comes out more coherently.
i was watching telly with mum one night and i just turned round and said, "mum, i'm gay". it was kinda more complex because if i come out as bi, then she will never accept any boyfriend's i may have. so even coming out felt like moving from one lie to another. but it makes things slightly easier now at any rate.
the first thing she asked was if i'd been drinking. then she thought i was on drugs. basically i left her house soon after, and stayed at my dad's for a week. she tried to phone me but i ignored the phone. eventually she sent me a card (which i find mildly humourous in retrospect!) but at the time it was a really nice gesture, so i went round and we talked about things (HIV myths, etc.)
so there you go. i've not come out to my dad yet, but that's complicated and i'm not going to go into it on the boards. i don't think i ever will come out to him either, and i feel at this moment in time that's for the best.
i've always had supportive friends though, and most of my family have been great and accepted boyfriends i've brought home, although mum was livid the first time i shagged another bloke 'under her roof'. she soon got over that though
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burn down our home, RAPE OUR DEAD MOUTHS. Just as long as I don't have to hear anymore of your disgusting babble
I was 15. Queer A Folk was on the telly. Everyone at school had stayed up to watch it and they were all talking about it the next day. To me it was like looking into another world - one that I knew somehow I fitted into, but where? Apart from the programmes obvious 'attractions', QAF was set in my home city - Manchester. I had all that on my doorstep and I couldn't believe my luck!
When the series had finished I was on a workplacement at an architects. I basically worked in the officemost of the day and covered the reception whilst the usual woman was on her dinner. It was always quiet and I spent most of my time trying to find the number for Manchester Lesbian and Gay Switchboard. After much searching, I found it.
I had the number for about two weeks - I didn't have a mobile phone at this point, so I couldn't just ring it. But the piece of paper it was written on was burning a hole in my pocket. I had to do something. So one Sunday evening my parents had gone out with my brother. I picked up the phone over and over again dialling the number and slamming the reciever down bak on the cradle. I realised how stupid I was so I let it ring. Someone answered. I couldn't speak. The woman on the ned of the phone reassured me and after about 5 minutes of silence I brokedown in tears. It was a mixture of relief and anxiety - what did I do next?
She gave me the address for Lesbian and Gay Youth Manchester - the big gayer group and I went along a couple of Saturdays, making it to about as far as the door. Then running off again.
It got to September and I felt like I was going to burst. So one day I was talking to my friend whilst we were walking through my village. It just came out. Literally. She was fine with it, hugged me and kept the secret for three whole months until I was ready to tell someone else. Who told the entire school....
I was never popular at school. For the first three years of high school I had no friends. I sat on my own at break and ate my lunch in the library. I had always been picked on. But not to the extent after my impromptu 'outing'. I was beaten up, taunted, graffiti was written all over the school about me. Most teachers ignored it. The head of year told me he could do nothing about the bulying because I had no proof - and it was my own fault anyway. But some teachers were great. In my leaving book, one teacher told me how brave they thought I was and how much she respected me.
Ha, I showed all the non believers though by getting the highest male grades in the school, and the third highest over all grades. Thought you could beat me down? Ha! Fúck You.
But I couldn't hide it from my Mum for too long. I wrote her a letter. She understood, and hugged me and we cried. But I wasn't to tell my Dad - he would react badly, she said.
But when he did find out he was brilliant. They both were and always have been. It took us a long time to talk about things, but when we eventually did, it was weird. It was like I was suddenly the person I was meant to be.
For some reason, people know I am gay. I don't think I am particulalry camp. I think people can just tell. So Uni has never been hard. I am glad about that.
What I do know is that coming out was painful, stressful and mad - but most of all it was rewarding. I can now finally be me, and be proud to say that.
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Johnk
The only freedom that you’ll ever really know
Is written in books from long ago
quote: Originally posted by: JohnK "Ha, I showed all the non believers though by getting the highest male grades in the school, and the third highest over all grades. Thought you could beat me down? Ha! Fúck You. "
i think that's one of the best feelings at the world and you can't describe how it really feels.
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burn down our home, RAPE OUR DEAD MOUTHS. Just as long as I don't have to hear anymore of your disgusting babble
After my first year at college, i wudda been 17 I think, I went bowling with some ppl i went to scholl with but hadn't really seen since I left. One of them had come out a few months earlier and had a bf who cam bowling too.
Anyway, a day or two later I got a text from the guy i went to school with asking me if I was gay cos he bf has a really good gaydar, apparently. I'd been attracted to guys sice i was at school but hadn't really accepted that i might actually be gay and was convinced it was something I'd grow out of. Nevertheless, i told him this and we became friends again and he was osmeone to talk to who understood.
Over the next year or so, I became pretty close to him and his bf, and I had my first 'experiences'. After i'd finished my a-levels i told some of my str8 mates form college that i was bi (using msn of course, cos i'm far too chicken to tell them face-to-face!). Anyway they were fine with it, like I presumed they would be.
Eventually, i fell out with my gay mate (he's a cúnt) but i started to make quite a few good gay friends online, and even plucked up the courage to meet a couple. Just after I'd started my art foundation last yr I met Jon and over the last year and a halfish i've changed quite a bit and become more 'me' an dmade loads of good mates.
As far as my parents and family are concerned, they've all met Jon but I've never actually came out to them. My mum's asked me b4 if he was my bf, and although i didnt just say yes (how i wish i did!) she'd have to be pretty naive to think we're just friends. My dad knows too, ever since Jon told him the Hollyoaks Hunks calendar in the back of his car was mine! A t the minute, I'm just putting off the dreaded conversation, but i'm sure it'll happen one day soon.
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Comes across all shy and coy, just another nancy boy.
Was abit of an early starter, I wer 13 when i first came out and that wer 2 my fella at the time, who actually turned round n told me he wer gay 2 & we kept it quiet n stayed mates after that really cos our school was one of them where u got beaten up 4 been jus abit different (gayers got worst of it), got 2 14 n told me "best" friend at time, who said she knew i wer anyway & was pretty cool with it until we fell out about something & she told this gobby cow who didnt like me i wer gay, went round the school like wildfire!
I had alot of trouble off people similar 2 wot John went thru, my teachers didnt do much about it either & it got 2 point where I'd b in 3 fights a day stickin up for myself, luckily I had mates I'd grown up with at school with my who wer always round 2 tell me how gr8 i wer n how much they loved me so their support combined with 3 rather mad mates (we wer known for been 4 hardest lasses in school) who jumped in2 the middle of fights & kicked hell outta any1 who gave me hell, got me thru school (still in touch wi/see most of them now)
Tellin me rents, erm it cudnt have happened in a worse way, i wer ratty bout wot wer goin off at school & me mum had a go at me 4 been moody, splittin up wi the bloke, another letter from school sayin that i'd get suspended if i dint stop gettin in fights (gotta stick up 4 urself) & announcin i wer gonna join a footy team despite been told not 2 play again. She shouted summat at me like "wot next, u gonna tell me ur a ****ing lesbian?" so i did n ended up gettin a plate thrown at me (still got dint in me head where it hit, was a gr8 shot) she told my dad n most of my family, took them abit of time 2 get over it but they r all cool with it now. Was most suprised by me grandma who sat me down infront of tv, told me she thought it wer gr8 n she loved me no matter wot b4 flickin thru tv channels tellin me which women she thought wer pretty n askin if i fancied them, jus 2 try n understand it all, my grans ace.
College wernt too bad, got a couple of twats who made comments n tried 2 take **** but every1 pretty much ignored them anyway. Got a job at me local hospital, at first me workmates wunt talk 2 me n made comments bout me behind me back, that all changed when Kara who'd also jus started n wer a gobby cow came up 2 me n asked me flat out if i wer gay & said i better not fancy her, so i thought sod it b honest n told her i thought she wer mingin jus like every1 else there, she found it hilarious that i'd gi her sum cheek n shoutd across the kitchens 2 every1 i thought they wer mingin so they dint have 2 talk bout me behind me back anymore, a couple of the lasses felt ashamed after it, apologized n started talkin 2 me & Kara became a proper close mate of mine (shes Courtneys mum, ya know me god-daughter who am always showin u pics of)
After a while it wernt even an issue (apart from with the management who refused 2 sort out supervisors givin me hell) wi any of workmates n things picked up alot more. Nurses at work wer dint see it as an issue & my patients on mental health wards wer fantastic wi me when i told them i wer gay (i got sick of them askin if i had a nice young fella), thankfully me flatmates at uni aint got a problem bout me been gay, day I moved in I wer worried I'd get put with sum rite homophobic strangers & nearly cried when i first saw them (1st impressions wernt good) after we got our rooms sorted we got hammered in kitchen, talked, got on2 relationships n i told them rite there n then, they jus asked me loadsa questions bout it n its not been an issue, cudnt have asked 2 have been put wi a better bunch this year.
Its a nightmare tellin people at first like, but I've got 2 point now where i dun care n find it really easy 2 tell sum1 (if they aint already guessed) jus b careful bout been cheeky/blunt n tellin sum1 they r mingin, u either get slapped or moaned at for ages followed by an interrogation of y u think they r mingin
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Nic - Union Council LGBT Assembly Chair
Contact me at - lgbt.assembly@leeds.ac.uk / nicturner_85@hotmail.com
At 16, me and my best friend got together, and were caught, um, 'experimenting' at school. While my friends were absolutely fine with it, after we sat down and explained, it spread around school like anything. As it was an all girls grammar school, you can imagine the bitching and gossip and verbal abuse. Kind of similar to what JohnK went through, only the abuse was probably more verbal and emotional. Due to sitting on my own at lunch and sitting on my own in lessons, I've become quite introverted and shy. The teachers did crap all. This just made me more determined to work hard, get out of there and go to uni somewhere more open-minded, so I received the best marks in the school and beat all the breeders. (And has also made me consider becoming a teacher so I can do a better job.)
It's embarrassing to admit this, but I was ashamed of my sexuality in a way for quite a while. Broke up with my girlfriend, decided to try and date men, but then realised that something was just missing. I won't rule out anything in the future, though; I think sexuality can be quite dynamic for some people.
So, being newly proud of my sexuality, I came out to my mother over a family dinner. Kind of a heat of the moment deal. She was livid. Initially she told me to leave home and never come back, but my brother spoke to her quite sternly. She's come round somewhat, in that she'll tolerate my company, but still thinks it's a phase, and tells me how disgusting and wrong it is. She refuses to support me financially, so university's quite a struggle. (But so, so worth it to be away from home.)
My parents are divorced, and my mother told my Dad. He spoke to me about it, and is absolutely accepting. (And wanted to set me up with a bisexual trainee at his workplace!)
As far as Leeds goes, I've not broadcasted my sexuality, but told people whenever the opportunity arises. The girls on my corridor aren't bothered by it at all, and I feel as comfortable bitching about girls to them as they do bitching about boys to me. Most of my Hall of Residence know too, but I'm fine with that. I've got to the stage now where, if someone has an issue with my sexuality, it's their problem, not mine.
Coming out has been incredibly rewarding for me, and some of the difficulties I've faced have helped me become the person I am today.
I think a letter (or perhaps an e-mail, even) can be a good way for friends, but personally, for family I'd prefer to tell face-to-face. (Unless, of course, you're afraid of a violent reaction.) I think the important thing is to come out whenever you feel ready.
quote: Originally posted by: NickyDyke85 "Was most suprised by me grandma who sat me down infront of tv, told me she thought it wer gr8 n she loved me no matter wot b4 flickin thru tv channels tellin me which women she thought wer pretty n askin if i fancied them, jus 2 try n understand it all, my grans ace."
i find it interesting how different schools can be. back in the day, i was convinced that people knowing at my school would be a bad thing, but in retrospect i can see that i was just being paranoid. i honestly think the worst i would've got was a couple of stairs from first years. i now quite wish i had come out while i was still in school. there was a guy two years below me at school who came out when he was in the lower sixth, and he had no problems. apparently all the cool girls suddenly wanted to be friends with him.
i was thinking at first that this was probably to do with the type of school, it being fee paying and selective, but then alice says she got a load of trouble at an all girls grammar school. i know an all girls school probably doesn't have quite the same atmosphere as a co-ed like mine was, but still. it kinda throws my theory out of the window.
or maybe i was just being snobby in thinking homophobia would increase as social class decreased? but then, even though my school was fee paying, it was hardly eton. most of the pupils had parents who were farmers or in the army i think. hereford doesn't have all that much in the way of aristocracy.
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alright stop, collaborate and listen,
ice is back with a brand new invention
My grans really sweet & proud of me no matter wot I do, finds my drunken stories hilarious, takes me shoppin in meadowhell & tells me am the 'special one' outta all her grandkids, probably cos I wer her 1st one :o)
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Nic - Union Council LGBT Assembly Chair
Contact me at - lgbt.assembly@leeds.ac.uk / nicturner_85@hotmail.com
It was actually only about a year and a half ago, just before the beginning of my second year at Uni. It was basically a well-organised, emphatic "Fvck This Shi t*" on the part of my slowly vanishing mind. The day before I flew out to Leeds, I sat my mum and dad down and just told them I had to have a 'talk'. They'd had no idea, but they couldn't have been better about it. To be honest, I wasn't surprised; that was why I told them first. My dad's an aging would-be hippie, and my mum... well, she's an aging would-be hippie's wife. Dad just started telling me about how back in the sixties he and his friends used to scare uptight pensioners on the train from Birkenhead to Liverpool by acting gay. They used to really camp it up, apparently. Anyway, mum and dad were great about it. If I ever wanted to talk, they said, they were there. And that was all I really needed them to say.
My housemates were next. I moved in with them in September of '03 - I'd known them in halls, but not all too well, to be perfectly honest. I was terrified. But I thought it'd be a bit weird if my parents knew and nobody else did, so, one day I decided to go for it. Everyone (everyone who was back, that is) was lounging, watching telly, in the living room, and I was in my bedroom. So I went downstairs. And got a glass of water from the kitchen. And went straight back upstairs. I sat in my room shaking for about fifteen minutes, and then went back downstairs. And got a glass of water. And went straight back upstairs again. I had about ten glasses of water in an hour and a half. Eventually everyone dissipated from the living room, and I was on the verge of giving up. I also desperately needed a ****. It followed that I basically just had a bit of a mental slanging match with myself: "What the **** do you think you're doing? Don't be such a pussy!" would be answered with "But what if... what if...". Eventually, I decided to **** the what-if brigade and just shot downstairs and blurted it out to the guy in the room directly below me before my conscience could fool me into submission. He shrugged and said "OK". I think he was a bit annoyed that I'd interrupted him unpacking his room, actually. I took the other housemates one by one (so to speak) and they were all really supportive. Lucky me.
Sister and friends from home were quicker and more amusing. I told my sister about a year ago - just 'cause it'd never really occurred to tell her before. We were on a brother=sister night out and she'd asked me for the umpteenth time why I never seemed to get any action in Leeds. When I gave her the reason, she laughed. It's the kind of sarcastic joke I might make, I suppose. She took some convincing. When I finally did convince her, she thought it was really funny and couldn't wait to tell her lesbian best friend. Who had an inkling anyway. Plus, as it turned out, the best friend's cute coursemate who'd been out to Cyprus the year before also had something of a suspicion - and a bit of a crush, apparently. That was nice to know. Anyway, after that everything else just sort of fell into place. My sister has a funny way of slipping it into conversation. Pretty much any conversation. My home friends found out pretty quickly, whether I intended them to or not. And I've not been ostracised, criticised or even begged for fashion tips. Yay me.
The build-up to this little love-in wasn't so great though. I don't think I ever had any illusions about my sexuality. Nor, in any special sense, did I generally make a special effort to pretend to be straight per se. I never had a girlfriend; I neither wanted one nor felt pressured to have one (I guess that was the main advantage of being the chubby, awkward clever kid in the corner). I remember one of my 'friends' at the age of 16 saying in all seriousness that "If you ever managed to get laid before me, I'd know I was in trouble". The bastard. For fear of sounding self-pitying, which I accept is to some degree inevitable, I was tolerated more than liked. I was so insecure that whenever I finally did feel accepted, I'd do something really ****ing stupid like the time when I was 14 and drank myself into a coma in a ****ty little bar where they sold Ouzo for 20c a shot. (I never want to see my mother cry like that again). I was never confident enough to come out. There was no support for gay kids where I lived, and no gay community. This was doubly so: I lived both on a British Army base (and I'm sure we all have at least some idea of the Army's attitudes and policies) and in Cyprus, where they resent pretty much any minority, be it Turkish, black or homosexual. There was nothing there to build my confidence, and there was virtually no confidence there in the first place. By the time I got to Sixth Form College in the UK - where I in fact became a friend to all; mediator of arguments; resolver of disputes and general rude but lovable guy - my silence on the subject was so enduring, the repression to entrenched, that I quite simply couldn't talk about it. I couldn't even talk about the concept of homosexuality. Gay people my friends knew. The word 'gay'. I made my excuses and left the room whenever I could. It was strangely tormenting. As I suggested at the beginnimg, it took me three years to slowly realise that I was actually going a little bit mental and it had to stop. So that was that, and that's where I came in.
I do envy all those of you who managed to get it off their chests a whole lot earlier than me. I do wonder if I'd have ended up any different as a person if I'd got the strength to do it earlier - more open, maybe; less suspicious of people. I don't know. Anyway, no matter. Everything's fine now. Sort of ;) Best thing I ever did; just wish I'd done before basically.
To cut an exceedingly long story quite short - I'd always been a bit suspicious that I might be a lesbian, but didn't think about it a great deal. One day last January I did a favour for a friend of mine, and she sent me a jokey thank you email saying she thought I was kind, lovely and thoughtful too, and would I marry her? We had a laugh about it, but did seriously discuss gay marriage as an offshoot, and as the discussion wound on I plucked up the courage to admit that through my teen years, I'd sort of thought I might be a lesbian. She talked me through my issues, we discussed the ins and outs of it, as it were, and somehow we ended up in bed together a couple of months later... That was the first realisation, so by default I think she's the first person I came out to, it just happened.
I think the first person I told, rather than discussed & came to realise with, was my friend P from college. I was giving him a lift to Uni on the way down to Oxford (before anything had happened with the aforementioned woman), and I sort of blurted out that I fancied someone who was female... He grinned and asked if I was a lesbian, I said, well I'm at least bi.. He was dead chuffed for me, bless him. We'd discussed sexuality before, but he was a Christian and had quite strong views on the subject. Still, I felt I could trust him and he was fab.
A few other friends I told online, via msn.. I didnt announce it, but if they brought up the subject of crushes etc, I started off being careful not to say 'he', just 'they'... then worked my way around to admitting my sexuality. Most just sort of brushed off fancying a woman as if it were an everyday occurence to them, others were stiltingly accepting and have since avoided the issue, but still talk to me about other things.
My mum - I was on my gap year, I was really upset about some aspect of my 'secret' lesbian relationship one night, and I had nobody to talk to about it as all my friends had booghered off to uni. I was in a vile mood for a few hours, but one tear wormed its way through and the floodgates opened. I admitted to mum that 'something had happened' with *, she told me she wasn't surprised at all, and had been expecting something like that to happen between us all along. In the next few days there were a few short Q&A sessions, one of which culminated in 'look I'm only ever going to bring women home' which she got narky at. I think she thought I'd been corrupted by this one woman, or that it was just a phase, so needed it stating simply. Since then, she's been suspicious that stuff's been going on, but hasn't asked, so I haven't told - fine by me. Oh, and I dont think she's told my dad, but I can't be sure - he's a really cool bloke anyway, and would be fine with it. I just haven't found the exact right time to tell him myself yet.
Uni people I told on the first night I moved in to halls - the usual getting to know you questions, 'Have you got a boyfriend?' Nope, a girlfriend... Most of them have been really good, they ask how it's going, listen when I need a rant, same as we all do for each other, really. There's one muslim girl in our flat, who frowned when I came out and avoids me most of the time - but it's OK, she's allowed not to like me. I think it's cos of my sexuality being against her religion, but it could equally be that she thinks I'm awful and just doesnt like me. She hasnt said anything to me or anybody I know about it, so we both just get on with our own lives.
Coursemates I've been telling slowly as the subject comes up - if I'm friends enough with someone to get asked about men, I talk about women - they soon cotton on! When a boy I don't know too well overheard me referring to the LGBT he asked what it stood for and guessed 'lawyers, something?' I hesitated before telling him, as I didnt really know what his reaction would be, but I just told him in a matter of fact way, and he was fine, too, thankfully.
Church friends - I've only told 2 out of about 10 people that I'm fairly close to, at church. This was really difficult for me, as although there are a few openly gay members in our congregation, and the Methodist denomination is one of the most open-minded, I know that there are still lots of people who strictly disagree with homosexuality.
The first was L. She's a year or so younger than me, and we have been friends for about 5/6 years, through school as well as church, and we had talked about lots of stuff over that time. We were at a youth event in Blackpool this summer, sleeping on a church floor - on the first day, L had come up to me and said she could do with a proper chat, and I'd said I could too. We didnt manage to get away to talk on the first night, so on the second day we held back from the main group and had a brief chat. We both said it was to do with relationships, and I said, errm, I actually want to talk about a woman. She gaped and then admitted that she did too - quite a turn up for the books, I hadn't twigged about her either! That evening, we disappeared off with our sleeping bags to a random corridor miles away from where our friends were sleeping, and chatted for about 5 hours about our respective relationships and issues. It was really cathartic to talk to someone who was actually going through the same kind of things at the same time, and be able to discuss the religion side of things and how that affects us both. With me being at uni now, we haven't seen each other to talk much since then, but we both know that if/when we need to, we'll be there for each other.
Next was M. She's the mum of a good schoolfriend, and is also one of my surrogate mums (I collect them), and I just sort of felt she ought to know, cos we are close and I wanted to talk about the religion issues with someone a bit older and wiser, who also knows me and wouldnt judge. She asked if I was OK one day and I cried, so she cried, so we went off for a chat and I told her everything. She's been really cool about it too. Again, not had much chance to chat since I've been at uni, but she asks how 'everything' is, in her knowing mum way, and I tell her everything's OK, cos it is. I don't really want to go into the religion side of things on the open board, because I've not worked it out fully for myself yet, but if anyone wants to PM me to talk about it then I'm happy to exchange thoughts and discuss the issues.
I think that's all the major groups covered.
I am so, so glad that I have been this lucky in my experiences of coming out - I know many people have a lot of hassle. Possibly because it's not immediately 'obvious' from my appearance (so many people in this uni have never met a long haired lesbian before..), and also because any hand holding i do is mainly done on walks in the countryside, or quiet suburbian roads rather than the city. I'm well aware that I may yet encounter trouble, as there are some people with whom it is only a matter of time before the subject crops up. I hope that if/when it arrives, it is just a case of ignorance which can be educated, rather than violent hatred.
I'm only doing this because I can't sleep because my throat feels like I have been deep-throating a cactus and there is little else to do at this time.
I came out when I was 16 to my best friend at school, when we were stacking music stands after school badn (not sure why I remember that specifically). It was all quite boring really, I just said I had something I wanted to tell her, and I did. But she was really lovely about it so it all worked out great, she gave me a hug and jokingly asked why, what's wrong with girls. Me and my mum had a proper cheesy moment you get in those books about coming out, she started crying for some reason and we got an i love you mum, i love you too kind of thing. My dad didn't say much other than try not to get AIDS. I don't think my yr12 prom date was too impressed either. I did manage to pick up my share of abuse at school, but I picked up the best A Level results in the school last year, (i am noticing a theme here) whilst most of the twats who did it are in for the long haul at Budgens now with chavvy girlfriends at home. Which is nice. Dikd have to take up kickboxing though, you can be harrased for wakling on the wrong side of the road where I live, let alone for minceing on it. Not that there isnt still major bitching about me back home, which sometimes I hear bits of. ****ers. The end.
That wasnt really very fun, I totally sympathise with anyone who was bullyied with it, I got verbal abuse, but have luckily never been attacked or victimised too badly, but my gay friend at home got it pretty bad from his family so I know what it's like.
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I reserve... I reserve... I have a reservation... I HAVE a reservation.. What do you mean its not in the computer?
Its good 2 hear that a few of ya aint had much trouble bout it all, other than verbal abuse. I kinda talk bout scraps alot but most of it wer that i had 2 fight my way thru school, after that fightin at footy came bout but thats a whole different ball game seems that most women footballers r lesbians and our league was rife with people sleepin their way thru opposition teams n their team, all got in a tangld web n stuff wud always come 2 a head at matches, other than that theres been alot of fightin to stick up for my mates.
Quite a few of my m8's from college wer ones who saw my face on noticeboards (in my 2nd & 3rd yr of college I wer highest level of class, group, course, department & college student reps) & got in touch wi me thru faceparty sayin it wer gr8 2 meet another queer at college and got hassle off people on their course 4 been gay, most of it verbal but there wer times when it got further n I'd have to have words (been a QF rep & college ambassador) & if they ignored it n startin givin them physical abuse, I'd help out same way my m8's in school helped me. Other than that I've stuck up for mates on nights out in sheffield wen str8 people have come up to us or 1 of group n hit them for been gay.
Mainly cos of all trouble I had in school and that I aint gonna sit round and watch someone hit a friend jus for what they are or anything else really. Goes 4 any1 I class as a mate, if it comes down to point where people r attacking them, I'll jump in & look after them cos am protective of mates, if I hadnt have had protective mates when i wer gettin trouble I wunt b where i am now, so its always good 2 have sum1 I guess & if i like sum1 enuff i'll do owt 4 them.
Am kinda seeing the pattern of us gayers gettin top grades. I did ok in school to say i was such a mess durin it, 1st yr of college got quite alot goin off at home n stuff (and sum daft bint givin me trouble bout been gay) got screwed up badly & i changed course on2 one where the guys wer idiots n the girls wer bitches got hassle off them like so i knuckled down n put effort in2 wot i wer doin, jus 2 prove i wer better than them, so i got selected 2b my group rep & course rep cos our course wanted 2 make it look like they'd got well trained students ready 2go in2 public services after that i sumhow ended up becomin a top level student rep, walked away with top grades in my course year and ended up here at 1 of the leading international centres of excellence 4 criminal justice studies. Spose if u really wanna prove people wrong u knuckle down n that jus 2 do better than them... wer it similar 4 any of u? or am i just wierd?
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Nic - Union Council LGBT Assembly Chair
Contact me at - lgbt.assembly@leeds.ac.uk / nicturner_85@hotmail.com
I'm still in the process of coming out not told the family yet although i know my mum knows we keep skirting the issue. as i am fairly shy when it comes to most things (i hate even asking shop staff for help) it has taken me at least seven goes to tell each person i have.
the first was my friend i told her on her birthday which i am sure she apreciated. her face was so funny when i told her it did aleviate matters a little. she was great about it. from then on i have told most of my close friends in a similar fashion although one asked me basically saying. dave you never had a girlfriend are you gay?.
my housemates was the hardest one i had been contemplating telling them for a while and while we where looking for someone to fill one of the rooms a conversation started about them wanting a gay housemate for some unkown reason (breeders are wiered they either love us or hate us) and i just told them. suppose they are not the most interesting stories but hey
Hey, my story is really boring. I wanted to wait until i had a reason to come out to my mum and sister so I waited until I had my first gf. We'd been to a ball together and so there were photos of me and her. Went home at xmas and mum asked to see the photos. So, I showed them to her and she said 'This is my girlfriend' and she said 'she's pretty, what time is the film on?' (we were on the way to see a movie). Same story with my sister, she didn't make a big deal. They've been great ever since, still treat me the same and have been really supportive recently.
My friends knew a bit sooner, after my 16th bday I told them all. They were gossiping about who was gay in my year and i said 'what is the big deal, i'm gay, who cares' and that was that. they have also all been really cool about everything.
So, there you have it - my very boring undramatic story :)
quote: Originally posted by: falafel "Dad just started telling me about how back in the sixties he and his friends used to scare uptight pensioners on the train from Birkenhead to Liverpool by acting gay"
oh merseyrail. those trains are only yellow so you can't see the puke on a saturday night.
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burn down our home, RAPE OUR DEAD MOUTHS. Just as long as I don't have to hear anymore of your disgusting babble
i'm not gonna go into details about how i came out to people, cos its all very long drawn out and quite boring.
my folks don't know yet, but i've been thinking recently about telling them, but i'm kinda bricking it. they should have some idea though. when i did secret santa with my course mates and i got a will young calender, i was made up and told my mum how pleased i was. i actually thought she suspected a couple of years ago, but she never asked, and i didn't wanna tell her directly.
anyway, everyone i've told so far has been fine with it. i posted somewhere else about telling one of my friends, and he felt bad cos he'd previously joked about me being gay.
and i told one of my other friends at a justin timberlake concert, although it should've been obvious to her by the fact i was screaming like a bitch.
it's good that it doesn't bother people, and that it's not an issue. although some of my friends seem to forget. i had to remind a friend the other day in the pub, cos he'd forgotten (how, i don't know), and i ran into another friend in town today when i was with my flatmate, and he text me later asking if she was my girlfriend.
hey people. just reading all these posts is helping me on my way to coming out.
i cant really add much to this topic but here we go anyway:
i have only been out since being at leeds. at home, only my sister knows, i had left a semi-naked man on my desktop on my computer and she came in, gave the screen one look and said "so, does this mean anything?". she has asked me hundreds of times before, "do you like girls" i always said that i did, but the right one hadnt come along. then she started asking if i was gay, which i always replied that i wasnt sure yet. but when she walked in and looked at my computer and asked that question, i knew that i had to tell her. she has been so lovely about it, always asking if i want to talk about it and saying that i really should tell my parents because they will be fine with it!!
No-one else at home knows. I think maybe my friends have more suspicians than i think they do. i did send an email round last summer which said that i had something to tell them about me, but i wasnt ready to say it yet. but that i hoped it wouldnt change their views on me. i really want to tell them, but i am scared that it will change things. i am very close to my friends at home and i would be naive in thinking that it wouldnt change that, but i dont want it to change. if you see what im saying.
not sure how my parents will cope with it. i think i will tell them in easter. i know its going to be hard and its one of those things that you cant avoid, but i am scared.
well done to everyone that got through bullying at school, i think its so brave of people to overcome such adversity. i wasnt out at school, but i think i did have a reputation. i never got seriously bullied, but there were some narrow-minded people that would shout the odd offensive thing at me. i think i was lucky in that sense. as for the trend of getting good grades, i got okay grades, but they werent spectacular. maybe cos im just thick. oh well.
i have the joy that is coming out awaiting me at home so if you dont see me after easter you know why!
Phil, you are wonderful, lovely, happy smiling person and i honestly do not think that your parents will react that badly - besides, you have your sister in your corner, which is a great plus.
i got bullied all the way through primary school, by teachers and students, and all the way through secondary school. i came out when i was 14, and it spread like wildfire - i almost killed myself several times because i was certain my family would throw me out, cut me off forever. i told my parents a couple of days after my 15th, and they were FINE about it...though of course dad barely talked to me for 4 months, lol!
at least here at uni you are unlikely to have pieces of work banned for mentions of being gay....that hurt.
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Three things that mark the Good Man: Truth, Honour and Love
i wouldnt normally write this but it is 8.15 an im feelin creative.
i only came out in june of last yr. was weird. had always been into other girls, bt never realised why (being gay was never an issue at our schol so it took me ages to realise. i managed to pick the perfect timing, right in the middle of my exams. anyway, i met a girl (whos an idiot now, an sooo wasnt right for a few reasons) bt as soon as we kissed i jus knew it was right. so i went to wrk an jus blurted it out to one of my friends there who had just come out. i couldnt hold it in! so very soon i had told my best friends who i wanted to hear it from me, by different methods, not generally face to face, apparently one of em had already guessed. all my friends were ace, at wrk and at college!
then it took me bout three months to tell my mum, i knew i had to tell her before coming here. i dont no y i was worried because she being gay herself, she can hardly say much! it was one of those times that she was havin a mum moment (we dont have these moments, we arent that close in that i tell her everythin) an i jus burst out into tears n finally told her. she was really supportive and good about it, she was helpful an as she had had a really harsh time coming out around my town (bein married for so long, children etc) she knew how hard it could be an was proud of me for doing it so young as can be a lot easier (obviously not easy but ya no). anyway, she proceded to tell me that her partner had susssed me out! as if! how dare she! but anyway, all was good in that camp, an now i feel that if i get a new gf (my lovely sarah!) i can tell her straight away without any worries, i have never told her much in my life so i guess it made us a lot closer.
i still havent told my dad, but i really should, i think he will b ok with it as he is such a sound n relaxed person, bt im scared because u never no. im thinkin of maybe writin a letter or somethin as i cant tell him to his face. but i ned to as i live in a small town n i dont want him to b told by anyone else but me
so when i came to uni, decided that this was it! i could be who i wanted! my flatmates r all goood about it although i no one or two of them dont understand and sometimes find it a lil difficult. the first night they found out bout me, by askin are we all single? i said no, so 'oo have u got a bf?', erm no, 'so youre single?'...no! we went round in circles for a while, bt thn finally told her. philippa proceedin to txt joe im living with a gay girl! an shes nice n not all lesbobish!
anyway thats kinda my story, it wasnt too bad a time for me.
i dnt think any of my posts have ever been as long! or even half as long! o well.
ok, well it took me a long time to become comfortable with the fact i was gay. my family was the last to know. ok, without going into the gory details, some weird crap happened during a weekend away in London left me pretty damn shook up and upset. luckily my friends were there. they asked why i hadn't told my parents yet and to be honest i had no idea. I guess i just couldn't be bothered. so i said, oh, i dunno, i guess i'll tell them when i get back. lol. the main reason i wanted to tell them when i got back was because i was so upset over the stuff that had happened, i just needed their support. usually when i have problems i keep myself to myself which worries them.
i get back. my dad is yelling at me saying all this stuff. saying i'm useless and all this other stuff while i was crying.he was mainly angry because i wasn't telling him what was wrong. i yelled back saying he doesn't know anything about me at all and he stormed off i yelled something similar again and he came back up. and he was like "so tell me then" and i said i'm gay. and he said "so?" and he started going on thinking THAt was the reason i was upset which made me laugh. he thought i was upset because i was gay haha.
I went to bed due to being ill and while i slept he told my mum who then made some kind of weird family announcement to 2 of my brothers and anyone else she could find. much more convinient for me. telling people is just annoying no matter how many times you do it.
the next day i woke up and everyone knew. my younger brother had already guessed anyway. my eldest brother came and asked if i was ok lol. then my mum phoned my other brother and then came upto me while i was on the PC. she said that he said it must be a huge relief to finally tell them. I just shrugged and went "not really" because you know what, i felt no different whatsoever. i knew they wouldn't care. if it was a few years ago when i was still not comfortable with who i was, then i guess the whole coming out thing would have been a HUGE drama.
being upset about being gay is a complete waste of your life. i wasted so much time.
so yeah. that's me. sorry it's hard to read. :)
oh yeah, i talked to my mum alot about what happened. it was weird, but funny. whenever i go somewhere now though she thinks i'm going to meet a guy and asks me 23423423432 questions
Heya... that was v brave of you mate. It's always interestin to find out how ppl have come out to their parents... My parents found out cos i was on the phone to a friend about it, when i was 14/15 and my mum picked up the other phone to make a phone call. She overheard it and came into my room and asked for me to put the phone down. I didnt know what had happened. She sat me on the bed and asked me if i had anything to say to her. I couldnt speak... I then burst into tears. And she grabbed me and hugged me. I then said I was confused... and she said well... r u attracted 2 boys... and what about bout girls? yeah, both, i said. well... ur just a v sexy boi then...she said... hee hee... she wasnt too happy... when she found out id been with guys... and was also worrried bout hiv..and all that..but im a v sensible guy. Christianx
quote: Originally posted by: Phil " there were some narrow-minded people that would shout the odd offensive thing at me. "
I got called names at school from about the age of 9! maybe even 8.. because I'm a dancer and this stooopid guy in my year, who had the same name as me:P used to tell everyone about my dance classes and used to make fun of me and just stare at us all dancing... **cker!! Ahh..well.. hes all spotty now and he'll always be a **ck! LOL. I did get upset by them calling me names cos I just thought I wasnt.. although, I've never had a proper gf.. or bf for that matter..but when i moved to england, it sorta fell into place. But I still dont agree with people yelling abuse at me for being gay or just calling me gay cos there;s much much more to me than my sexuality! Christianx
well nobody should worry about what was said at school. in the end, if people didn't make fun of you for being gay, it would be something else. that's what school is like.
phil, you shouldn't be worried about telling your mates.
but yeah, don't waste your life worrying about it. in the past few months i inspired two people to come out to their families with good results :p
I came out as 'not straight' to one of my best friend's on msn. I still don't have clue what exactly i am, however, i know i'm not straight and have had my suspicions since i was 12. She was fine with it.
Told another friend recently at xmas. I just totally popped it in the conversation. We were talking about porn and she said she gets turned on my lesbian porn and i said i do too but that's not suprising since i'm not straight. She was like 'really?' and i said 'yeah, it's not really a big deal' and she was like 'oh cool'. Had a bit of a fling with her later on.. heh..
My parents know i'm confused and me and me mum talk about it a lot. She's 100% behind me and they said they're proud of me and think i'm brave and love me no matter what. wahey.
I came out when I was 16 to a mate of mine, called Donna. First, not being sure I said that I was bi, or at least not straight. She was pretty cool about cos one of her best friend's Tom was gay, even though he always denied it. Initially I had personal problems, cos I felt very isolated. This caused me to have a nerveous break down during 6th form after my one of my friends, in a nasty way outed me to senior members of staff. Coupled with this I was dejected because the first boy I ever loved, in the end turned out to be a two-faced prick. All this caused nerveous illness, somethin I relap into every time to time. After feelin **** for months my friends finally started to rally round and give me encouragement. I owe them alot, thanks guys. The fact is my best friends are straight guys, but there're fine with it.
One girl I knew Emma who was a lesbian, who still see in the local gay club, really encouraged me. At school we were the two sexual deviants of the group and we adored it. She'd sit with her feet on the desk reading Diva whie I'd be sat with the Gay Times.I finally began to accept who I am and liked it. I threw away all the perv/ sin bollocks I'd been brought up with as well as self-acceptence in regard to living as a sexual being with a disability.I got gradually more confident and wanted to make people aware of the homophobia I saw and experienced in school daily so I wrote a hundred page report and handed to one of my teachers, she promised me she'd make sure the effort wouldn't be wasted.
It's taken a while to come out to everyone. All my friends know and deep down my family knows but they don't like it and don't really want to accept it. We're a very traditional Tory family u see and homosexuality is simply not talked about unless its taking the piss. My Granny who's the matriarch of the family is still very much a product of the 1950s, she thinks homosexuality is disgusting, even though she new alot new she worlked in the theatre. Despite this, I know my family love me, even though they don't aprove. In the end of course everything's worked out for the best. I'm happy at uni (although miss my friends at home terribly) and finally beginning to enjoy myself. It's got to me said that the LGBT has been a real life-line and probably really helped crystalise the coming out process I started back in ye old school.
Now i'm happily in love with my boyfriend Steve and things are beautiful, so sometimes things do have a happy ending (laughing at all those cynics out there).
P.S- For my family however, the biigest thing which upsets them is not my sexualitry, as much as my politics. I've become everything they fear, a touchy-feely, musely eating, Guardian reading, green left winger with a fettish for trade unionism and representational democracy. My family, who kiss the daily mail, say that my love affair with social democracy like my love affair with men is just a phase! I'm gunna of course prove them wrong on both counts.
For some reason, people know I am gay. I don't think I am particulalry camp. I think people can just tell. So Uni has never been hard. I am glad about that.
Yes I would say you're just gay enough, John.
I'm so happy you shared that ((huggs)). I'll post my own at some point soon, possibly. Need to get the story sounding like a story, or I might decide against it.
nah u aint been picked on yet dear! The vicious rumours is a thread in Sketchbook, the whole point of it is 2 make up blatently untrue vicious rumours bout society members u know r game 4 a laugh n post them in that thread... its 7 pages of proper wierd dodgy stuff, check it out :o) b warned tho if u post in it ur bound 2 get picked on :oP
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Nic - Union Council LGBT Assembly Chair
Contact me at - lgbt.assembly@leeds.ac.uk / nicturner_85@hotmail.com
My own mother thinks I'm a fag hag! Well, I kinda am too I guess! lol Yeah, even gay people take convincing that I'm not straight! Don't see why I should change my clothes and hair so that i conform to a stereotype, which makes it easier for people to put me into a specific category and therefore accept me. Not that I have a problem with people expressing their sexuality through clothes, haircuts etc. it's just that I've encountered people who are very confused as to how i could possibly be gay when i have long hair and wear make-up... blah, blah, blah... Although in contradiction to all that ***t bout not wanting to conform to a stereotype, I did manage to pop open the bonnet and fix the car of my already susicious mother a few weeks back! (just needed oil, silly!) Also, in my stupidity, I watched 'Fingersmith' (Sounds like a lesbian porno, right? Just a serialisation of a Sarah Waters novel though) with my mum! oh, how I blushed!
Hmmm, never posted on this forum before. This is a cool thread, methinks it's cool how honest and supportive people have been here! I've not actually managed to get round to informing my mum of my gaiety yet: a really scary prospect! Have only really been open about my sexuality since I've been at uni, although I've known for a while...does anyone else look back at their past and think of the consoling things they used to tell themselves?..."everyone thinks of girls naked", "I just haven't met the right kind of boy"...or maybe that's just exclusive to my sick mind! XD The reason I didn't come out at school was the fear of being defined by my sexuality rather than it just being a small part of my charm! lol also, it was a small (sized and minded) school in the Welsh valleys, which was immersed in a Christian ethos, homophobia and just generally conservative views so I knew it would be a big deal...Much respect to the people who were brave enogh to be out at school despite others' closed mindedness, that takes balls! (or m*nge respectively!) It's a shame that some people are still so ignorant.
Sorry this has been such a long (and sh*t) post, it's just that I'm avoiding writing an essay!
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"Let us go then, you and I,/
When the evening is spread out against/
the sky/
Like a patient etherised upon a table"
Wot essay u tryin 2 avoid writin? am tryin 2 avoid 2 law, 1 sociology & 1 criminology essay... doing quite well at moment downstair wi a bust leg n cant make it upstairs 2 my work, shame!
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Nic - Union Council LGBT Assembly Chair
Contact me at - lgbt.assembly@leeds.ac.uk / nicturner_85@hotmail.com