Hello, everyone, do you have any good idea to my problem, please?

For many years, at least 8 years, I was confused and disturbed by the uncertainty and worry about my sexual orientation. Maybe I am a gay, but maybe I am not. I know that I really have the sexual impulse when I see the handsome or nice boys, and I am just interested in those with very good-looking and I can not to develop the intimate relationship with the boys of general looking and body figures.

However, this is not the problem I am worried about most. The most worst thing that made me often in deep anxiety is that I have to date a girl exclusively although I have no very strong feeling to her. I found it was difficult for me get close to my girlfriend and I have no any sexual fancy to her body. Why I did like this is I have to inherit my family name and I am the only child of my family, because the descending tradition is very popular in China. To be frank, my girlfriend loves me very much, but I am afraid my feeling for her is not as strong as her feeling for me, and as I thinking of the comfortable and soft treatment to me from her and her parents, I did not feel as happy as the usual persons thought, reversely, I felt guilty very much, because I can not give the true love and affection to her. Furthermore, I let myself be seduced into visiting the homosexual websites, watching the porn homosexual videos and the heterosexual videos are unable to interest me any. I have to keep the lover relationship with my girlfriend because I have to make the false phenomenon in front of my parents and make them know that I have fallen in love with a girl and I would marry her in a near future and they would have the grandson/grand-daughter in a near future. Another reason I like to make hetero-marriage is that it would make me feel comfortable in the public, such as in the working environment. You see, if you dont have any partner when your age is above 30, you will be considered as a strange or eccentric person in China and that would put you into a very unfavorable position of your occupational promoting and developing relation with your colleagues.

I know that what I am doing is very cruel to my girlfriend and I am even a person with the worst ethic, but what should I do? I often put myself into deep self-accusation. I want to tell the truth to my girlfriend, but when I hear my parents appealing and a complete eagerness to be grandparents, I hesitate. My parents, my working environment need me to be married, this long-term pressure attacked me frequently and I have to lose myself as if I am no longer to be a man belonging to myself. I could not be true to myself. I am sorry, I can not be true to myself.

Now, let me continue to write my traumatic experiences of my recent life. Actually the equally serious or stressful things similar to the events I described in the above is my strong video addiction that also usually puts me into very deep depression.

I am a student from China and making study in UK, and this opportunity is really uneasy for me to get. I did overcome many troubles and difficulties to get this opportunity. But now I have not cherished the opportunity and I have been not satisfied with my performance in UK. I mean, when I was in China, I thought and imagined that I should be very hard-working when I am at UK. But this is not the case now, and I am really depressed of it. The reasons are that I still have been disturbed by the trouble of my sexual orientation and still have been bothered by the idea that whether I would make a break with my girlfriend, you see, I dont love her from the bottom of my heart, because I am a gay, or at least I am a bi-sexuality.

Most seriously, I indulged myself with the porn videos of homosexuality and masturbated frequently so that my body and health was damaged seriously. I know I should overcome it, but I can not stop watching those videos when nobody is near to me. Actually, I have been infected by the strong addiction of watching this kind of videos. Another reason that I can not give them up is that I watch them excessively and purposely when I find I have broken the high behavior rule I made for myself, such as I required that I should spend all of the whole day on study. When the behavior rule of the high standard is broken, I feel very depressed, and I am very unsatisfied with my behavior performed just now. Then I simply go on watching those videos and waste more study time by indulging in them much more. Although it seems that watching adult videos is quite normal, I have done these without limit and made it play an very unfavorable effect to my body. Not only this, I felt very worried and depressed when I remember that I still have a lot of work to be finished and I should stop watching these videos at once and return to work now, but no, I do not do what I should do, and I keep masturbating and let them do more harm to my body. In fact, my health is no longer very well due to the excessive sexual activities.

The requirements I make for myself is usually very high and strict, but often I can not make myself to meet them, so I feel depressed. When I feel depressed, my behavior become more unfavorable and I go into the opposite extreme of my behavior requirements I planned formerly. When I become numb to my current disappointment and depression after behaviouring in the bad style of activities for several days, I depressed less because I am used to being like this. But for another, I would not submit to defeat, I find that what I am doing is not what I really want to do, so I begin to make a new plan and make up my mind to accomplish it. However, I could not meet the new plans high requirements again and after 1~2 days, I break the behavior rule. In fact, I feel very nervous and sensitive to the success and failure and confine myself to my-own circles when I am in the style of the high behavior rule, and I do not like to perform the high standard, but I force myself to do it, or else, I will feel depressed and short of the safety sense.

This is a typical vicious circle, you see, but I can not break it up and I continue repeating this behavior style and indulge myself in harmful addiction day by day. On the one hand, I feel I should be an excellent and hard-working student and keep myself far away from those harmful addictions. On the other hand I am quite unsatisfied with my current performance and I can not give up the addictions. I often caution myself against indulging in those meaningless or harmful activities, but I am unable to do like what I think.

This morning, I did not get up until 12 oclock, when all the workers had been on work. So, suddenly, I became the most lazy boy in our laboratory, but just 2 days before, I was the earliest person coming in the lab, because two days before, I was in the top emotion and would be the most excellent student, but now I am in the opposite extreme, and now I become the worst student in the lab. Many people feel strange to this, but I know why, because I am worried, depressed and sensitive to what happens around myself very much.