Your inner Celeb?!

JohnK · Pieces of me you've never seen

Your inner Celeb?!

ChipsAndLube · Bertha, lovely Bertha, you are a lovely machine.

"Gosh! Aren't you clever? You can read books and do joined up writing and everything. Your pithy observations are in much demand, and you're currently working on a ten part series for the BBC about the History Of Coffee Tables or something. Unfortunately, your planet sized brain is not as big as your gargantuan ego, which must be fuelled by constant media attention. Your agent is your best friend, and although you frown on the frivolous idea of celebrity, you'll go on any crap I Love 1998 programme talking about the cultural legacy of Spangles at the drop of a hat. Really, you are just Maureen from Driving School with a degree, and your desire for self-promotion is such that soon, you will be appearing on I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here crossing an alligator-infested swamp with three mangoes and a guava dangling from your knackers. Nothing very clever about that is there, ya book-learning ponce?"

heheh

JohnK · Pieces of me you've never seen

I say:

I require a six bedroom Louis Vuitton-decorated underground vault staffed by hermaphrodites in gold plated lab coats, who administer Cristal from magic ruby goblets. And a double bacon cheeseburger Happy Meal (no mustard)

my inner celeb:

Oooh, quick, turn off the chip pan and get out the Princess Diana memorial china- we've got a diva in the house! You're a bona fide prima donna boot of the highest order. While others suffer in poverty, all you care about is keeping your diamonds below room temperature, pumping your face up with monkey glands, and running over the homeless in your limo. You probably have a microscopic chihauhua called 'Mimi' which you carry around in your Hermes sapphire and sealskin pouch, and we bet you can't do a dump without cordoning off a VIP area round the toilet. But no more! It's time for a reality check, love! Get off your pampered arse and go to the shops for pint of milk, ya good for nothing tart! And while you're at it, get us a Mars bar and a copy of Reveal, will ya? You're paying!