Some suggest gay marriage will merely undermine one of our fundamental social institutions, causing countless couples to get divorced because exclusion of gays was the only thing holding their marriage together.
If only this were the end of it, but we know better. Gay marriage killed the dinosaurs. If we let liberal activists set the course, asteroids will shower the Earth and blood will run in rivers. Mixed with molten lava.
There are countless reasons that gay marriage will rain destruction across our cities:
1) Being gay is not natural. Unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning are a grave threat to society.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3) Legalizing gay marriage is the first step of a slippery slope. People will soon be marrying their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4) Marriage has existed unchanged for centuries: women are still property, blacks can't marry whites, and divorce is illegal.
5) Marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage is allowed. Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage will no longer be sacrosanct.
6) Marriage is meant to produce children. Infertile couples and old people are not allowed to marry because the world needs more children.
7) Gay marriage is forbidden by our universal religion. Society would collapse without a strong theocracy. That's why we have only one religion.
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A good friend will help you move house. A really good friend will help you move a body.
