What do you call a blonde standing on her head?

A brunette with bad breath

What do Jodie Marsh and doorknobs have in common?

Everyone gets a turn

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.

A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.

"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."

"Oh ****!" exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"

Eddie went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally found one for a great price, but it was missing a seal, so whenever it rains, he would have to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should''ve been.
His girlfriend was having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He rode his new bike to her house, where she was outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don''t say a word." She told him, "Our family had a fight awhile ago about doing dishes. We haven''t done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sat down for dinner and it was just how she described it. Dishes were piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody was saying a word. So Steve decided to have a little fun. He grabbed his girlfriend, threw her on the table, and had sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend was a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sat back down, but no one said a word.

A few minutes later he grabbed her mom, threw her on the table, and did a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend was furious, her dad was boiling, and her mother was a little happier. But still there was complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there was a loud clap of thunder, and it started to rain. Steve remembered his motorcycle. He jumped up and grabbed his jar of Vaseline. When he witnesses this, his girlfriend''s father backed away from the table and screamed, "Okay, enough already, I''ll do the goddam dishes!"

Some men were waiting at the gates of heaven to be let in... The first one approached God and said 'My lord, may I please enter heaven'.

God said to him 'Before you enter there is one task you must perform... I want you to go out into that Garden you see there and pick 100 of whatever fruit you choose, but it must be the same fruit'.

So the man thought this was a bit strange and wasn't sure what was going to happen, but he went out and after searching for a while decided upon grapes. So he picked out 100 grapes and then brought them back to God.
God then said to him...'Now in order to enter heaven you must put every single piece of that fruit up your backside, and you cannot laugh or have any of the 100 grapes fall out or you shall not be allowed into heaven.'

Now the man was really astounded by this...But wanting to get into heaven very badly he decided he must do what God had asked him... So he set about putting all the pieces of fruit up his ass....1, 2, 3, 4, 5....and so this went on and the man determinedly fitted more and more grapes.... 50, 51, 52..... He was feeling pretty impressed with himself and had approached 95 grapes up...96, 97, 98...When suddenly he burst out laughing and all of the grapes came popping out...

God looked at him in dismay...'What are you doing' he shouted?! 'You were just about to get into heaven'!....

'I'm so so sorry' the man gasped...Trying hard to stop laughing...
'What is so funny' asked God in bewilderment...
'Well', answered the man... 'i just saw a bloke out there picking pineapples'!

probably already done but can't be bothered to read the lot... anyway

what do u do if david beckham throws a grenade at u?

take the pin out and throw it back

Nick you've made 117 posts! you cheat!! put them all in one post, bah bah bah!! You lesbians! lol. xxxxxx

How many gay men does it take to put in a light bulb?

Only one...but it takes an entire Emergency Room to get it out.

a blonde walks into a hair dressers and takes her seat still wearing her earphones
the hairdresser removed the earphones and begins to cut her hair. when done she realises that the blond girls dead so she picks up the earphones and listens to the tape, hearing.....

Breath in

Breath out

breath in

breath out

rang up a take away and said do you deliver they said no we do lamb chicken and fish

whats the definition of irritating

hanging from the empire state building u only got one arm and your balls are itching

wots got 5000 legs n no pubes?

front row of a westlife concert

gorilla walks into a bar and asks for a pint. barman thinks 'gorillas aren't too bright' so puts three quaters beer and tops it up with water. gorilla drinks pint and leaves.

next day gorilla comes back. barman thinks 'gorillas are stupid', puts half beer and half water. gorilla drinks pint and leaves.

next day gorilla comes back. barman thinks 'gorillas are as thick as pigshiit', puts a quater beer and three quaters water. gorilla drinks pint.

barman says to gorilla 'we don't get many gorillas in here, you know'.

gorilla says 'not surprised. bloody awful beer'.

(boom boom) (that's one of my dad's classics....)

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"
"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."
"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."
"It's a big rooster," she said.
The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

Not wanting to rain on anyones parade, but please try and keep the jokes as inoffensive as possible!

MOST of these are fine, just a few dodgy ones! Be careful!

Cheers Guys, and have fun

Mr Admin

X-ray dave, that's hilarious!...
This is also not a joke, but last night I heard the saying

'Let's make like a shepherd, and get the flock out of here!'....Quality stuff!

:( I also cut my knee :( Have a good weekend everyone. Love Emily.xx

wot did santa say when he walked past 3 prostitutes?

he ho ha!

wot goes CHING CHING BANG BANG?

Jill Dando putting the milk out

Cringe Factor 10 for the last one!

Whats the difference between a nun in a bath and a prostitute in the bath????

A nun has got hope in her soul
A prostitute has got soap in her hole.....


and the drum and cymbal beat goes on!

Barry,
Bitchiness is a bad thing and shouldn't have a place in our world. Personal attacks on society members aren't really fair as that makes the people within the society judge these people unfairly.

Jokes about disabled people are of course wrong, and not at all amusing (chuckle) and we should, naturally, assassinate the people who make the jokes regarding such people. They are evil and i completely and sincerely agree with your criticism. For indeed, laughter is not a medicine, it is a discriminatory vehicle and by poking fun at such people, we are actually all sick and wrong...

But let me tell you something. My last boyfriend was Thai, he was called Ohm and we had a great relationship in Thailand. I found out three weeks ago that he had died, what makes it worse is that i found out it was suicide, a reaction to discovering his HIV had manifested into AIDS. (for the record LGB people that know me - i don't have HIV or anything nasty, i worked with this guy to try and promote sexual welfare and fell in love spiritually though physically wasn't going to put myself through the risk blah blah blah.... was a bit annoying actually because he was hot as it gets!)

I don't know how i would have coped, if i hadn't been able to laugh about it. My friend called me from Thailand and told me it wasn't neccessarily my fault, but she thought he might have commited suicide because i'd taken the paper bag from off my head and he realised who he was sleeping with ! (they don't even have Joan Rivers in Thailand)

In your darkest hour you can laugh your loudest. My advice would be not to get too upset by the jokes on the forum, or the defending of the comittee members. Instead, sit back, smile and think, "yeah, there is humour in that somewhere..." i think you'll find there always is!

Dave x (in strangely serious mood considering he was woken up at 6am by an unexpected dawn chorus of "Take me out" by Franz Ferdinand due to his evil and unpredictable stereo system)

I deleted the offensive joke in question. However I am still bemused by the Dave thing in his post.....

Was that the joke referring 2 puttin a bomb under a wheelchair n shouting run? I guess an apology is in order 2 Barry, sorry I am a very sick n twisted bastard n if u can't deal with that or a little harmless joke u didnt even read it properly (did it say "with sum1 sat in it"? NOPE, shudnt jump 2 assumptions sweety) I am very sorry, it must be hard living life without a sense of humour, u have my deepest sympathies. There are somethings u just have 2 laugh about no matter how bad they r as a coping mechanism, I'd love 2c how u'd cope wi my old job. And if u haven't noticed luv, jokes have the ability 2 offend every1 (plus in the name of equality I have posted jokes concerning homosexuals, black people, prostitutes, babys, essex girls, somerset n scousers - doesn't mean i discriminate against every1). Also leave dave n the committee alone, friends r allowed 2 have in joke's (ru u 1 of these miserable emotionless sods from invasion of the body snatchers?) & about the promiscious behavior... its fun, u shud go out n get laid sum time, try it u mite like it! If the whole thing concerns u that much can I suggest that u don't ****ing read them? protect urself from anything that mite actually b seen as funny n us from ur miserable griping. & finally "Sorry" if this post causes any offense 2u

Got to agree with Nic and Dave on this one. Yeah a lot of these are offensive, but life is too short to get uptight about people's sense of humour. Yeah its in bad taste, but it's not serious, no-one seriously means they want to hack up kids, praise peadophiles or blow up disabled people. So on those lines.

Did you hear they're making a film about the life of Harold Shipman?

Its going to be called the old dear hunter.

And the classic Ally McBeal joke...

A guy is walking along a beach at night, when he hears somebody crying. He keeps walking along and he finds a girl with no arms and legs lieing on the beach crying. He walks over to her and asks her what's wrong with her. She says, "I'm 23, I've got no arms and legs, and I've never been kissed." The man feels so sorry for her that he leans down and gives her the sweetest kiss on the lips before continuing his walk down the beach. As he walks off he hear's the sound of crying again and turns back to see the girl crying behind him. He walks back to her and asks her what's wrong again. She says "I'm 23, I;ve got no arms and legs, and I've never been screwed," to which the man picks her up, throws her in the sea and says "Well you're screwed now baby."

Hehe I'm going to hell I know.

what do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

lickalotopuss

wot do u call a gay dinosaur?

mega-sore-arse