I can't believe how many bad jokes there are in the world, but here's another one for the heap

Did you hear about the gay wizzard? He disappeared with a poof!

Ohhhhhhhhhh yes! got me net workin again, bet ya have got used 2 peace and quiet, anyway to celebrate my return to this thread I have got sum absolutley appaulingly **** and non offensive jokes (especially 4u Barry luv) sooooooo here goes!

How do u make a milk shake?

Scare it!

wot did the left football boot say to the right football boot?

between us we shud have a ball

who delivers presents to baby sharks at christmas?

santa jaws

wot do monkeys sing at christmas?

jungle bells, jungle bells....

wot do u get if u cross eggs wi a pair of trousers?

scrambled legs

why dont pigs talk on the telephone to each other?

theres 2 much crackling on the line

what is green n tough?

a toad with a machine gun

Did u hear about the woman who recieved an electric shock from picking up a bun?

a currant ran up her arm

how did the telephones get married?

in a double ring ceremony

Who was the most famous russian snooker player?

Inoff the Red

wot do u call a man with a spade in his head?

Doug

did ya hear that the first consignment of viagara ta b imported into england was nicked? the police r lookin for hardened criminals in posession of swollen goods

what do ya get wen u cross an apple with a nun? a computer thast never goes down on u

whats ET short for? because he has little legs

Whats the good thing about having alzheimers?

You can plan your own easter egg hunts

2 guys r ordered to do community service speaking to young drug abusers about the danger of drugs & try to make them get off drugs. The first offender goes out spends a day talkin to drug abusers n comes back to the courts.

"How did u do?" asks the judge
"well i managed to get 300 people 2 quit" he said
"Thats good, how did u do that?" asks the judge
"well" the guy says "i got a piece of paper n drew this O & this o and told them that the 1st one was ur mind before drugs n the other one was ur mind on drugs"

The 2nd offender comes back after his day where he has managed 2 convicne 500 people to quit drugs and tells the judge that he 2 drew two circles.
"Isn't that the same as wot the other guy did?" asked the judge
"Nah, i said this o is ur arsehole before prison, this O is ur arsehole after prison" replies 2 the guy

An ugly man walks into a pub wi a HUGE grin on his face.

Landlord: Wot ru so happy bout?

Ugly man: Well, i live by the railway. On my way home last nite, i noticed a woman tied to the tracks like in the films, so i cut her free n took her back 2 my place & i scored big time. We shagged all nite and in every position imaginable

Landlord: Fantastic!, wer she pretty?

Ugly man: Dunno, I never found the head

Why did god give women legs?

He saw how much mess snails made

wot did snow white say when she sat on pinnochios face?

tell me a lie, tell me a truth, tell me a lie.....

wot wud it take 2 reunite the beatles?

2 bullets

wots the difference between a tyre n gettin laid 365 times?

1 is a goodyear the other is a greatyear

wots the difference between a hormoe n an enzyme?

u cant hear an enzyme

how do u confuse a tosser?

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