wot did the banana say 2 the vibrator?

"dunno wot u shakin 4, shes gonna eat me"

wot do u call a lesbian wi thick fingers?

well hung!

Y cant u have driving lessons n sex education on the same day in Iraq?

It wears out the camel

wots the ultimate definition of trust?

2 cannibals goin down on each other

NIIIICCCCCCC your like a crap-joke machine!!!!!

And your post total is reaching 30000000000000

Methinks someone is addicted to the forum!!

wots the cleverest thing 2 have come outta a blondes mouth?

einsteins dick

Did u hear bout the dyslexic devil worshipper?

he sold his sold 2 santa

wot did the leper say 2 the prostitute?

keep the tip

wots the best thing bout having alzheimers?

u get 2 meet new people everyday

y shudnt u gi blondes coffee breaks?

it takes too much time, effort n money 2 retrain them

y do women have belly bars?

so u can hang an air freshener

wots the difference between a clever midget n a STD?

1's a cunning runt....

wots difference between an essex girl n the titanic?

u know how many ppl went down on the titanic

how do u make a cat go woof?

cover it in petrol

y did the blonde climb a glass wall?

she wanted 2c wot wer on other side

How do u make a horemone?

put sand in her vaseline

what does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?

her ankles

Things To Do When You're Bored: At Work / School


1. Run one lap around the office at top speed
2. Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the bathroom at the time)
3. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you
4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye"
5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"
8. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9. While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
10. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers
11. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it"
12. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
13. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
14. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
15. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
16. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
17. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
18. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
19. After every sentence, say 'mon'(man) in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
20. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
21. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
22. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness; I'll never go hungry again".
23. In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
24. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
25. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:
"Do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now"
26. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"
27. Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
28. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
29. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
30. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
31. Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets
32. Always leave the photocopier set to reduce 200%, extra dark, A5 paper and for 99 copies.
33. Practice making fax and modem noises.
34. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
35. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make "croaking" noises.
36. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
37. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait I messed it up" and repeat.
38. Ask people what gender they are.
39. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

- my wife's gone to the carribean on holiday.

- jamaica?

- no, she went of her own accord.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?....

To get to the other slide!!

why did the hedgehog cross the road?

2c his flat mate!

51. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover

52. You really have "been there, done that"

53. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends. And that means everything.

54. You're the only type of male who gets to say "fabulous”

55. Your car has an amusing female name

56. If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers

57. You know that sex complicates things. So?

58. There's a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you

59. Nobody tells you what to do in bed...unless you tell them what to tell you

60. You have at least one movie musical on video

61. You worry about people you don't even know - like Liza Minnelli

62. You know how to program your DVD

63. You have a cologne display worthy of Boots

64. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers

65. You've called someone "girlfriend" who is neither a girl nor a friend

66. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your "roommate."

67. You know that the most important part of a party's decor is the catering staff

68. If your cat is a female, you swear it's a lesbian

69. If your cat is a male, you swear it's a lesbian

70. You've been to a bar mitzvah, a christening, a first communion, and too many weddings. You have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.

71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.

72. You have a favorite Disney character and it's usually a nasty one.

73. You've left someone totally speechless.

74. You've shaved something other than your face.

75. All your friends do not have to "get along".

76. You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.

77. Your love handles are actually used as such.

78. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.

79. You've got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.

80. You've got the most interesting coffee table books.

81. You know where to find a meat rack and it ain't in your kitchen drawer.

82. You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.

83. At some moment in your life you've envisioned having back-up girls.

84. You know your enemies.

85. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And he's right there in the shower.

86. You're Barbra Streisand's biggest fan.

87. You know that Barbra Streisand's biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.

88. Not only have you added spice to your life - sometimes you've added side dishes.

89. You know that "small talk" can be about spirituality or politics, and 'important issues" can be about
hair.

90. You've actually lived out some of your fantasies.

91. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.

92. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.

93. Yes, you do have a condom

94. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.

95. You have 9412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 8136 are non-verbal.

96. You can lip-sync to at least one Supremes song.

97. You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.

98. Even if you're in Kansas, you're not in Kansas anymore.

99. You know exactly how many martinis it takes.

100. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.

hmm...think all my jokes are too offensive x

lol sarah, lovin that one!


How do u stop a kid piissiing the bed?

give him an electric blanket