Once upon a time in a land far far away there was a kingdom called Leeds. Leeds was the most magical kingdom in all the land and was ruled over by the handsome king Alberto and his beautiful fairy queen Adam. Alberto and Adam were the most just and wise of all the rulers that Leeds had ever known and they were much loved by their subjects. One day however dark lord Goofy of the office spirited away the magical keys of the kingdom and hid them in the highest room of the tallest tower of her dark castle on the other side of the kingdom where no one would ever find them. King alberto, having recieved news of this foul crime gathered his magical knights into his meeting room to discuss his plans for a mission to retrieve the keys while beautiful queen Adam listen from the room next door worried that her husband may not return from this quest alive.

‘Good, I’m glad to see you are all here’ said Alberto ‘minstrels play a while and calm my nerves for tonight we go out into great danger’
the minstrels played the Judy garland hits that they had been instructed to play whenever King Alberto was feeling down, awakening his battle fury in readiness for the trials that the night ahead was sure to hold.
As good king Alberto was preparing to tell his knights of what horrors lay in store he heard a knock at the door,
‘enter’ he cried.
The door opened slowly with a creak that sent a shiver down the spine of every man in the room. King Alberto turned, worried about who he might find standing there and to his great surprise he noticed that it was………

ok so i know that this is poop for the first one but im sure that it will get better. who will take up the story?

-- Edited by inlowercase at 21:12, 2004-12-17

'sir mike of hereford, the strongest sword in the land'......

when all were gathered around the octagonal table, king alberto began proceedings. the scribe known as david chip-san-dlube took the minutes.
"so", began alberto, "i believe we have a problem. it seems sir mike's sword wielding abilities are being called into question. undoubtedly we need further help in our quest."
sir mike rose to his feet and whimpered "sorry luvs, i just haven't been on form lately. i think my sword may be going rusty from disuse."
"very well", king alberto continued, "we must find an alternative. a new strategy must be found.
there was a lengthy silence in which certain knights looked at their feet and tried not to be caught by the king's withering stare.
a kitchen boy by the name of phil happened to be passing roasted peacock to the king at this point. unluckily, phil was caught by the king.
"you!" alberto bellowed, "give me a solution to my problem and you will be relieved of your chamber pot emptying duties this evening."
the kitchen boy, with alarming disregard for albertos regality, shrugged his shoulders and replied "cook always says rug rap solves all her problems."
"and what is the cooks name, boy?" king alberto asked.
"she's called nic" phil replied.
the king sent out a summons to the cook, and took the kitchen boy onto his knee.
"so, young boy, once again you have fulfilled my needs. if this is as successful as the last time i made use of your services, you will be knighted. now, be gone."
before long, the cook arrived in the banqueting hall. she climbed atop the table and asked for silence. after a full minute of hushed expectation, she said.......

"Why, it is simple," the boy replied, "The magical gemstone is infused with the pink power of gayness and will surely defeat any enemy of this kingdom when placed into the hilt of the sword of a true hero".
"How convient that is" said King Alberto, "so once gem has been retrieved from the dark muff, we can send a hero to pierce the dark lord and discover his true identity? if only all things in life were so simple, we will be able to feast and dance gaily once again"
"Rug rap. Stay aware" said Nic, from the back of the room, and once again there was a silence as everybody tried to decipher the strange cryptic words of the cook s she continued to pluck the peacock she held under one arm. Suddenly there was a gasp from King Alberto. "Surely you can't be refering to the mythical rug-rap beast who lives in the forrest of muff?" There was uproar in the court as as the king's words sank in and King Alberto leapt forward to catch Queen Adam, as s/he (??? are you trying to say I'm a female here???) fainted delicately. Duke Drew stepped forward. "Sire, if I may, the beast of rug-rap is the most fearsome of all creatures, why many belive that it is merely a myth. Surely there is no way that we can defeat a beast of such power."
"Unless,,," began Sir Mike, "There is one who could acomplish such a task. Legend tells of only one wizard who has such power to overcome the rug-rap beast."
"Surely," began King Alberto, "You don't mean...?" his words trailing off as he helped Queen Adam up from the floor.
"Yes your majesty. I am talking about the wizard of myth and legend who for many years now has been in retirement, assuming a humble position in your court. We all know that there is a great enchanter within our midst, and it is time for them to step forward in our hour of need."

-- Edited by Adam at 00:31, 2004-12-20

An old man with grey hair n a long white beard all topped off with a pointy hat n spell book

But most people knew. the wizard had been hiding in the court of King Alberto, pretending to be a humble servant boy, they just had to wait and find out who it would be....

the fairy queen adam. he was too busy working out a dance routine to the latest britney track to notice the kerfuffle, so hadn't tried to get out of the door.
the knights all shrugged their shoulders and said 'makes sense really'. then off they set on their quest.
minstrels played rousing marches to spur the knights to battle, while small boys clanked coconut halves together. there weren't enough horses to go round. rumour had it that they were otherwise engaged by a stable lad by the name of ross (who had delusions of gradeur and liked to call himself a squire). but that was just a rumour.
one way or another, with piggy backs, and everyone taking it in turns to have a good ride, the knights covered twenty miles before nightfall.
meanwhile, back in the castle, queen adam was ambling in the garden. fleet of foot and fair of face, the fairie queen carelessly admired his reflection in the castle moat. he made a mental note to buy more clairol 'babysh1t' to enhance the colour of his startling locks. while thus engaged, a dragon swooped. queen adam was captured.
adam screamed for all he was worth. he set up such a racket it was even heard by the knights twenty miles away. and just to avoid confusion, and to really get the message across, the dragon did a fly past at the inn they were staying in. all saw the captured queen bourne off in the dragons claw, and many full grown men swooned.
'alas', they cried, 'the dragon has kidnapped our queen.'
and so they set out at once in hot persuit, towards the dangerous region of........

-- Edited by shymike at 22:21, 2004-12-20

Mission was a dangerous realm, and filled with many victims from the era of Dark Lord Alice. These creatures, fanged, raping, pillaging, (and on occasion, bears) were instrumental in the overthrowing of King Alberto and Queen Adam from their region and expelling all faeries forthwith...

It was a heterosexual torment ground, where unspeakable, breeder-related crimes happened. The darkest creature of them all, the chav, was in abundance, as were his allies, the feared pikey.

The knights were in for a difficult ride, a tormenting ascent, as they scoured the skies for the dragon, who beared their beloved queen, to mount majestyk!

in the meanwhile...

there was something foul abroad. something dank and unwholesome, something even more vile than king alberto's three-week-unchanged undercrackers. the kingdom of leeds was filled with the rotting stench of dead voles, pork crackling and tramps that even fortune cookie would reject. yes, it was nic's kitchen but that's not for here. or anywhere for that matter. no.

queen adam lay forlorn. she wished to apply the royal slap but found that in an instant of folly she had neglected to put her mascara in her bag the morning before her abduction. indeed even the tin of creosote she planned on applying to her eyelashes had curdled in the sickening heat of august. eeeh, august. crap, in't it?

she wretched. nothing had passed her lips for days. well nothing but the bowl of curly fries, the coleslaw, fried eggs, mixed grill, figgy pudding and forty-six mince pies (s)he'd had for breakfast the day before. but she wretched. and barfed buckets of thick, warm, yellow nothing.

there was a nick, a clink and a groan. slowly the key turned and the 4-foot thick iron door squealed open like a sow fed on offal and stout. if for a second the queen believed that perchance a gaoler would brave the catacombes of deepest, chavest leeds, she was woefully, woefully mistaken. the figure which now towered before her filled her dainty mass with dread.

"it's time. i've come for you..."

-- Edited by ChipsAndLube at 23:05, 2004-12-20

... I would say "foook off", but I want a cup of tea."

So after all the uncertainty and dainty deeds, the Fifth Chamber of the ARC (Artistic and Royal Convention) was finally opened. Queen Adam was in raptures and she (because a she she certainly was) said she wanted some tea.

"Er... Yes, my dear," said King Alberto, reaching for the lesbian tea. He knew what a hyperactive queen could be like.

But while Sir Mike, Duke Drew, Scribe Ross, the old wizard Joe and all the rest of the court waited for the King to make them some tea (for a generous King was he and liked mingling with the populace), the Giant from the Office appeared and tossed her hair around, and said in her deep voice: "You cannot use the kitchen today because we don't like you." And she buggered off to make some tea with her heavy and soggy feet.

"I find this quite distressing," said Queen Adam.
"Indeed," added King Alberto.

Every body was thinking of the best way to solve this problem, when Nic the cook and Phil the kitchen boy walked in.

"Ow do!" said Lord Chip-San-Dlube. "We thought you were plotting against us when you left the castle so secretly, yer basterds."
"We were plotting because we knew conquering the Fifth Chamber would be far more problematised in a dialectical way than we originally thought reasonable."
"Erm... WHAT?!" exclaimed Scribe Ross.
"We knew that fooking bitch was going to bum us, mate," said Nic the cook.
"Ah!" they all said.
"Am I so hard to understand?" asked Phil, slightly annoyed. "I only have one thing to say: Four days till Christmas!"

Queen Adam puked.

"Now please proceed and tell us your plans", said the King.




-- Edited by AlbyFC at 02:30, 2004-12-21

started crying!

"Oh, Queen Adam!" exclaimed the dragon in tears. "Would you were awake to tell you how passionately I fell in love with you the moment I set eyes on you! My flaming lips are tempted to kiss you, but my conscience is against raping sleeping beauties."
"I'm not asleep," said Queen Adam. "I'm a very good actress. Did you expect me to fight against your great powers? It would be useless!"
"Then kiss me and tell me how attractive you find me."
"Er..."
"I'm waiting."
"Er..."

And then, with a flash of light, someone entered the cave. He was an extremely handsome young boy dressed in what looked like a new armour made of gold like the gems of that cave.

"Who are you, daring to trespass this little love-nest?"
"I'm Sir Phil All-I-Want-For-Christmas-Is-You. I've just been ordered knight by the King Alberto and I've been sent to rescue the Queen."
"Oh God!" exclaimed the Queen. "I've just come on my dress."
"Shush!" said the dragon.
"Please please please Sir Phil Put-Those-Xmas-Song-Wherever-They-Fit-You, rescue me."

Sir Phil took the Queen in his arms and broke his spine.

"That's nice", said the Queen.

the whole court was waiting for Sir Phil to emerge triumphant from the dragon's cave.

"What's wrong?" asked Cook Nic.
"Sir Phil might have been killed by the deadly breath of the dragon!" exclaimed Scribe Ross.
"Or he might be having a threesome with the Queen and the dragon", said Duke Drew. They all turned round to look at him. "Okay, I'm too horny, I admit."

But just when everybody was going to give up hope, someone emerged from the cave.

"Lark, greetings to all people present. I'm Lord Dave Thai-Cuisine."
"Have you killed the dragon?" asked the crowd in amazement.
"I was the dragon!" he exclaimed. (Honestly! Bet you didn't expect that.) "I was in disguise because I couldn't confess my love for the Queen."
"I know why you couldn't!!" exclaimed an old lady who just appeared.
"Pray, who are you, now? We're all a bit lost."
"I'm Lord Dave's mother! He couldn't confess his love for the ever-beautiful and ever-gorgeous Queen because they two are natural brothers!"

The crowd said "ah" and several of them got bell's palsy and never shut their mouths again.

"So should we all go back to the Fifth Chamber to celebrate?" asked King Alberto, who was starting to feel a bit sick of so many secret romances.
"Yes!" cheered the crowd.

And they all went back to the ARC singing "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" while the Queen wrote a list of all the people who needed to be beheaded in her queendom.

Back at the ARC...

But Margaret couldn't reply, for someone spoke before she did.

"GAAAAAAAAAAY!" shouted Emily the Ebay Maniac. "The wind is telling me something momentful is going to happen. GAAAAAAAAAY!! There is someone approaching this room. I can see it with the inner eye and smell it with my inner armpit!"
"I pity the fool who listens to this fool, to be truthful" interrupted John K. "I'll tell you what I've done. To be truthful, chickens, it was ME who made Lord Dave fall in love with the Queen by magical procedures. It was ME, to be honest with you, who wanted the Queen to be kidnapped because if there has to be a Queen, it should be ME ME ME, to be honest! But I do not believe in monarchy any more, because how can you have a royal family where the king is of foreign extraction?!"

Everybody looked at King Alberto.

"I thought it was common knowledge," said the King while dipping a crumpet in his tea.
"How can you be so cool with your tea and crumpets while everyone is in such a shock?!" said the Queen, obviously outraged, while helping herself to a second dish of roast dinner.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" exclaimed Emily, and suddenly...

Sir Phil flew into the room and tried to fight John K, but John K tore Sir Phil's wings off his back.

"They're home-made, for God's sake!" exclaimed John K.
"There is just one thing I have to say!!" replied Sir Phil.
"What is it?"
"Four days till Christmas!"

Then the Queen vomited her roast dinner all over John K, and while he tried to take all the scum off his very expensive Versace cloak, the whole court jumped on him and imprisoned him.

"John K," said the King later. "We are not happy with what you've done, but we all love you, so we'll make you president for next year. I'm sure that with your powers we'll defeat Goofy, and the Giant."
"We'll take over the kitchen!" shouted Cook Nic.
"And we'll store vodka in it!" shouted Laura the stable girl. Everybody looked at her. "And books!" she added.

So the next mission was taking over the kitchen from the dirty and minging hands of the Office people.

Certainly not the end for those that had lain prisoner for far too long in the unknown and seldom explored dungeons of the kingdom.. Here men and women who had been tried and found guilty of all manner of crimes and treason lay wailing and sighing.. Calling out for the hand of God to show them mercy and free them from their peril. Not all had committed the deeds that they were supposed to. Indeed hanging against the wall with his wrists bound in chains was one Sir Dave van Gay who had been accused of attempting to seduce the king in the dead of the night. When he had been found outside the King's chamber he begged for pardon, but it was not to be and so here he had been kept.. Away from all that he held dear - the sky at night, the singing of the larks.. He wrestled with his chains in fury, but still they held him fast.. He could feel himself wasting away with the lack of food and life.. The guards to the dungeon did not care for the situation of their prisoners. To them they were the lowest of the low and could die where they lay. Dave van Gay turned his head and found himself looking deep into the eyes of a fellow prisoner.. He came to a realisation and said aloud...

-- Edited by EmilyL at 04:55, 2004-12-21

"your excellency? is that you?"

in the dim glow which an evasive bitter moonbeam afforded the dungeon, dave ran his fingers through lord hils's mullet. could he tell her the secret known to none but himself? would the dark lord understand?

the dark lord remained in silence.

"your excellency", dave began. "two score and twelvety years since you were born to a mother with firey pink hair. yes, queen adam is your mother. though king alberto of garland is not your father."

the long estranged lord hilary sat aghast in silence.

"your birth father... your birth father..."

-- Edited by ChipsAndLube at 15:16, 2004-12-21

...in the dark recesses of the dungeons of the ARC, the two dark lords Dave van Gay and Hils were quietly conspiring.

"whos there?" a quiet voice whipsered in the darkness.
"and who wants to know?" replied Hils carefully
"it is i, the Dark Lord John K. I have been locked in here by those dirrty wretches in the castle."
"John K?" a stunned Dave asked. "it...it....it. it is i, your long lost brother, Dave van Gay."

The silence that followed was almost unbearable. Then out of the shadows, the dark figure of John K crept. (cos apparently they arent chained down). The two brothers rushed to embrace each other.

And so it was that the Unholy Trinity, the three Dark Lords, John K, Dave and Hils, in the depths of the dungeons planned a way to get rid of King Alberto and Queen Adam and to gain control of the kingdom of Leeds for themsleves.

"we need something to help us," Hils said
"Yes, they are very powerful at the moment," Dave replied
"wait," John K said, "we should ally ourselves with the Rug-Rap beast"
"Are you kidding" said Dave, "that is just suicide"
"well, who knows the beast better than anyone else?" said John K
"of course." replied Hils "the cook, Nic"
"Exactly, all we need is to bribe her into helping us"...

Meanwhile in the castle above in the ARC, King Alberto, reunited with his glorious Queen Adam were still in talks with Sir Mike, Sir Phil and the great wizard Joe as to what should be done to regain the magic keys of the kingdom.

"it is as i said before," Joe said "the only way to retireve the magic keys is to obtain the pink gemstone guarded by the Rug-Rap creature in the forest of Muff."
"Yes, i must agree." King Alberto replied, "do you think you will all be able to handle the horrid beast?"
"Of course. My sword has regained its full power." said Sir Mike
"I have a second pair of wings, so i can still fly," said Sir Phil, "oh and also, Four days til Christmas. (how scary)."
"Its settled then" Queen Adam said, "the plan is to slay the Rug-Rap beast and find the pink gemstone. Then we look for the keys and save the kingdom from becoming full of breeders."

(i hope thats put the story back on track. mwah xx)

-- Edited by Phil at 17:29, 2004-12-21

the trio of dark lords soon found the cook nic. she was remarkably easy to bribe. they were expecting to have to turn over vast fortunes and promises of power, but in the end she agreed for half a packet of chrisps, a pickled egg, and a quickie in the scullery.

armed with the knowledge of how to trap the beast of rug rap, the evil minded quartet set off. well, after john k nipped into harvey nic's to look at this season's robes. but after that, they set off.

after an arduous journey through the marshes of burley, over the fens of ilkley, and through the treacherous waters of the warfe, they found the lair of the beast. it was in skipton. just behind the bus station.

unfortunately the beast was out, so they got the x84 back into leeds and tried again the next day. this time they had more success. the beast was an odd looking creature, clothed from head to foot in a leeds uni hockey strip. they had a little trouble getting the beast back to the castle in the arc, because the beast tried to use a day rider that was out of date. the driver was having none of it, so the beast had his wicked way with him.

anyway, eventually they got back to leeds. they planned a surprise attack, and burst in during a coffee hour banquet.

there was much mwah-ha-ha-ing on the part of the dark lords, and much girly screaming on the part of the king a queen and a fair number of courtiers.

would good king alberto save the day? would sir mike's sword stand up to the trial? was the solid polishing it got from a succession of nubile kitchen boys be enough to return the shine to the mighty instrument?

and would the story board editors realise the potential that lies in margaret the bear?

dun dun duuuuuun.............

Don't be silly, Maragaret can't be scary, well she doesnt sound very scary 2 me anyway. But ok then.

Margaret gave the rug rap beast a big hug, and it screamed in agony falling to the floor. "Noooooo," it cried, "the power of love is too much for me to handle"
"Well I'm afraid the court does now allow Frankie goes to Holllywood, otherwise we would have defeated you sooner." said King Alberto, "Let's face it, theyre not Judy are they"
"And you can't really dance to them" added queen Adam.
The rug rap beast disolved into nothingness, leaving behind it a shining pink gem on the floor. Seizing the opportunity, Sir Mike threw his sword aside and reached for the gem, but JohnK was quicker, seizing the gem and placing it the darkest depths of his H & M robes, he disappeared with a poof...

...the court stood in stunned shock as the last smokey whips of vapour rose from where the three dark lords had been. After a short silence,

"Well, thats a bit of a blow to the plan" said King Alberto.
"do you think that they are allied with the Dark Lord Goofy who holds the keys?" added Queen Adam.
"its difficult to say" replied Joe the wizard, "i think they are too treacherous to ally themselves with anyone else. They will most likely try to bargain the gemstone with Goofy to ensure they get the best deal."
"but the question is," said Sir Mike, "where are they now?"
"and where is that cook Nic?" Duke Drew added "she's the one who told them how to defeat the Rug-Rap."
"im right here" came the reply, "i wasnt going to miss out on free coffee, was i?"
"well, do you know where they've gone then" asked Sir Phil
"of course, they've gone to the county of Queen's Court."
"why are you helping us and helping them?" Queen Adam asked, "whose side are you on?"
"whichever gives me good value crisps and coke."
"right, ok then" Queen Adam replied, "so we need to infiltrate Queen's Court, retireve the gemstone and then look for the Dark Lord Goofy. who will accompany me with these brave knights, Sir Mike and Sir Phil, and the great wizard Joe?"
"accompany you?" King Alberto asked, "you are staying right here my dear, in the safety of the castle ARC walls."
"i am most certatinly not. why would i miss out on this adventure? i have more balls than you realise darling."
"oh, all right then, if you insist on going, i must go too."
"we'll come too" said Duke Drew, Lord ThaiDave and Squire Ross
"no, i need you to stay here to guard the kingdom." replied King Alberto, "in case the Dark Lords' minions try an assault. and to watch over cook Nic, be sure she stays on our side."

And with that, the King, Queen, Knights and Wizard set off to find provisions and horses for the journey that would lead them deep into the Unholy Trinity's lair...

-- Edited by Phil at 01:21, 2004-12-23

okay, okay people. just for the record, yes i like shopping, but the times you might have seen me with some bags was christmas shopping, not for myself.

okay, so maybe a little bit for myself.

okay, so am i not totally planned for the post-Xmas sales already? i have a floor plan of Selfridges in Brum and a point by point minute by minute itineray.

okay, so, yeh, like, whatever. totally. officially. so over it.

urm, oops this is the story thread urm, i'll get onto that later

mwah darlings, xx

-- Edited by Phil at 00:31, 2004-12-24

urm RUDE

Selfridges in Birmingham is the flagship store for the BullRing. Only the coolest shopping centre in the West Midlands.

apart from maybe Touchwood in Solihull. or the Fort.

Okay, so whatever. Birmingham rocks.

(sorry, that post sounded a little rude. just sticking up for my home town, even if it is a dump and chav heaven. lol)

xx

Say "GAAAYYYY" ye mite, chorused the king and queen as one. King Alberto scratched his brow, Queen Adam blushed. Emily scoured their faces, frowning.... it was going to take more than £2 for safeguarding their coats this time, there was trickery afoot. Inside the Court of Queens there was the sound of mocking laughter....

"Pray tell me noble Emily" whispered King Alberto, "What desire you in return for our safe passage?"
"That depends upon what it is you seek here, your majesty" came the hushed reply.

"We come for the Pink Gemstone" - Whispered Queen Adam...
"For that", hissed Emily, "You will need to pay a great deal...."

A silence fell, heavy and bellowing...

"What demands can you have of your King?" Inquired Wizard Joe from behind his cloak.
"The demand of Silver and Gold shiny raffle tickets that will make my job much more gay and sparkly!"
"Very well," said King Alberto darkly, we accept your terms.

And with that, Emily, door guardian and key to the pink gemstone passage allowed their entry. Wizard Joe and the knights led the way, followed by King Alberto whereas Queen Adam, ironically, propped up the rear.

After hour of wandering they came to a long staircase, disappearing into the darkness above.

"Hush now" motioned Emily. "This will be a long climb, and the way is perillous and challenging. I have confidence in your journey and wish you success in your plight. The way leads to Manchester, where the Guardian of the stone, Richard, and his noble subjects, Craig and Cory will negotiate with you. Farewell my friends, farewell!"

And with that, she took one look at Queen Adam, offered her sticks for the journey (but that's not for here), and flounced down the corridor with enough money to buy 8000 raffle tickets.

_____________________________________________________

Meanwhile.... deep inside River Island's armoury department, Sir Phil.......

After checking that his new clothes could be dry-cleaned to remove any blood, alcohol, magic potions and anything else you might have spilled down you in queens court, sir Phil set of determinedly towards Queens Court.

'Oooohhhh, suits YOU sir'!! Said a passing peasant traveller who was on the road to Ye Olde Red Lion (Leeds most bee-yoo-tiful gay spot for those not in the know)