what do you call a whore with no legs?

dirty ****

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

how can you tell if a lesbian is butch?

she kickstarts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

Nicola invited her mother over to her house for dinner. Over the course of the evening, Nicola's mum started to wonder if there was more between Nicola and her roommate than met the eye. She had long been suspicious of her daughter's sexuality, and watching them interact made her more curious. Reading her mum's thoughts, Nicola volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Alice and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Alice came to Nicola and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find my favorite gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Nicola said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So she sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle.

But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, Nicola received a letter from her mother which read: "Dear Daughter, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Alice, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Alice. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now."

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

A member of the Christian Union was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed my ass", he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me you can have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business."

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound loss program. "Are you sure," asks the representative on the phone, "this is our most rigorous program..." "Absolutely," he replies. "I haven't felt this great in years!"

The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Terry George standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you!"

wot did 1 lesbian vampire say 2 the other lesbian vampire?

See ya next month...




Ya know this thread has reminded me about the 10page bad gags thread we had last year, alot of the jokes were removed by committee/forum admin 4 been 2 offensive/sick

An inflatable boy, who lives in an inflatable world and goes to an inflatable school, with inflatable chairs and inflatable tables, decides he's had enough one day. He runs out of class but goes straight into his inflatable headteacher. The headteacher asks him what's wrong, but the boy doesn't want to talk, so to get past him, the boy pulls out a knife and stabs him. The inflatable boy then keeps running, and once he gets outside he takes out his frustration again by taking out his knife and stabbing the school. However, he becomes so racked with guilt at his actions that he turns the knife on himself and stabs himself.

Later on, the inflatable boy wakes up in an inflatable hospital, so see his inflatable headteacher lying in the bed next to him. The headteacher tries to talk to him, to find out what's been going on, but the boy remains quiet. The headteacher goes on to say how stupid the boy has been, and that's he's disappointed with him...

He says, "You've let me down, you've let the school down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down"


hehe I love that joke. And it isn't rude! (shame on the rest of you :P)

whats the diffrence between a crocodile?

neather can ride a bike!

i am not going to explain my joke, if you dont get it then i am not spoiling it for others

noo....

wot dya call a prozzy with white eyes?



FULL

quite a few :o)

Polo fiend wrote:

---

tut tut tut

you should be a good influence to all the baby gays that join next year, with your honoraryness and everything, they'll look up to you!

(ps. are we just following each other round the forum now? lol)

x

---

I think I did a good job with all u lovely lot this year, plus part of raising little lgbt-ers is 2 open their eyes 2 the not so innocent world of dodgy jokes.

(p.s. yeah am stalkin u or ur stalking me... i'm not so sure)

p.p.s. how dya make a hormone?

put sand in her vaseline!!!

Wot dya call a prostitute with her knickers up?

Unemployed!!!!


(thats the last prostitute joke, I promise)

a brunette is on the train tracks jumping from one side of the track to the other saying "21, 21, 21, 21...." and a blonde girl who happens to be walking along notices what shes doing, decides it looks like fun and joins in. they both jump from one side to the other saying "21, 21, 21, 21.....". A train then starts approaching but they still jump from side to side saying "21, 21, 21, 21....". The train is getting closer and is running at full speed, blaring out its horn for the girls to move but still they jump saying "21, 21, 21, 21....". At the last second the brunette jumps out the way and the blonde is hit by the train and killed instantly. After the train has gone the brunette walks back to the tracks and starts jumping from side to side again sayin "22, 22, 22, 22...."

A guy went into A&E after a horrific accident and had to have his leg amputated. He awoke the next morning to see the doctor standing over his bed. The doctor then said:

"I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you rather have first?"

The guy responded as most people usually do and asked for the bad news first, so the doctor said:

"OK, bad news is we amputated the wrong leg, so you now have no legs. Good news is the guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers."

Lol! Thats disgusting n funny.

Following a massive car crash 3 men make it up2 the gates of heaven, when they get there St Peter tells them that to gain admittance to heaven they have to pick 100 pieces of the same fruit. All the men desperate to get into heaven run off and start picking their chosen fruit.

20minutes later one of the guys comes running back with 100 grapes, St Peter looks at him n smiles before saying "well done, now to gain admittance to heaven you have to insert all of this fruit into your 4rse, if you do that you will get to spend an eternity here", the guy thinks this is rather odd but really wants to get in2 heaven so he starts inserting the grapes up his 4rse.

By the time he hits 90 grapes he's struggling but still making the effort, eventually he's got 98 up there and takes a minute to relax and look around the entrance to heaven, at this point he starts giggling and St Peter looks a little bit confused but says nothing, just as the guy is pushin the 99th grape up there n looking around, his giggling suddenly turns in2 a massive outburst of laughter & the guy ends up doubling over with insane laughter, naturally all of this causes him 2 fire all the 99 grapes outta his 4rse.

5 minutes later the guy is still doubled over laughing & St Peter is looking at him furiously before shouting "what the hell do you think you're doing? you were just one grape away from spending the rest of your life in eternity, whats so funny that you'd blow your chances of getting into heaven and completely waste my time?"

The guy still laughin look back at St Peter n manages 2 say inbetween laughs "well you see that guy over there, he's picking pineapples!"

Wot goes CLINK CLINK BANG BANG?

Jill Dando gettin the milk in

lol i like that one! Well done Alby!